Ask Our Experts: Stepfamilies At Christmas

Every family had its own Christmas traditions and sometimes you can't please everybody. Raisingkids.co.uk's parenting expert, Dr Pat Spungin, offers some advice on how to make sure every member of a stepfamily has a happy Christmas - even the parents.

Raisingkids member's problem
I'm dreading Christmas this year. I remarried in August and am stepmum to three smashing boys (ages seven, nine and 12) and have a 10 yr-old boy and a girl (12) from my first marriage. All five children live with me and my partner, as my stepsons' mum now lives abroad. This is going to be our first Christmas together and I want to get things right. I'm worried about my stepsons missing their mum but I'm also worried about seemingly trivial things - will I get the right presents? When do we decorate the tree? Do we leave a carrot for Rudolph, or an apple? I remember how important Christmas traditions were when I was little, and I want to make it special for everybody, especially after such an unsettling year for the boys.

Dr Spungin's advice
Christmas is a time of family togetherness. It can also be a time of tension and stress. There is a lot of work to be done, over-excited children to calm down, expectations run high and if things don't run to plan, disappointment is great.

The first Christmas for a newly blended family can be fraught with problems. The children may miss the absent parent more during the festive season. Each family has its traditions and ways of doing Christmas. When there are 2 traditions in one family it may feel wrong - this will be experienced more by the adult and children who have only recently 'moved in.' They may not have settled down properly and Christmas traditions and rituals will make this all the more obvious and stressful.

Do some planning - try to incorporate into this Christmas some of the traditions your stepsons experienced before. Ask you husband if there were any special things they used to do at Christmas. If he doesn't know - and sometimes men are in the dark about these matters - drop a line to their mother, explain your position and ask her what they used to do.

If they are missing Mum, ask her if she is going to call them on Christmas Day (and what presents she is getting, so that you don't duplicate). Remember that the boys will miss her and, although it may not be apparent in the excitement of opening presents etc., you may find the younger ones are a bit tearful at the end of the day.

Have realistic expectations - you have a new, much bigger, family to cater for. You are going to be tired and tense if you don't take a realistic view of what you can do. You will want to try harder to make sure your stepchildren are not missing out, but it's still a bit early for everyone to be completely reconciled to the 'new family' and this will also apply to your own children. Don't over commit yourself.

Get help where you can. And try to remember not everything has to be perfect, if getting it perfect makes you irritable and tired. Get all the children to help but don't expect more of your own children. For the younger ones, try to stick to a routine as much as you can... and then enjoy it! Merry Christmas.

• When the kids want too much for Christmas
• Peacekeeping tactics at Christmas
• Back to the Christmas section