How To Make The Most Of Your Mother-In-Law
 The relationship between parents and grandparents can be magical. It can also, particularly in the case of women and their mothers-in-law, be fraught with difficulty!
Jane Fearnley-Whittingstall, author of the Good Granny Guide, and mother of TV chef Hugh, has joined forces with BAFTA award winning CBBC show Jakers! and its celebrity grandparents Mel Brooks and Joan Rivers to celebrate the new generation of grandparents. And she has some advice on how to get the best out of your mother-in-law.
As an expert in this field, what do you think are the common areas of disagreement between parents and grandparents?
There does seem to be a very tricky line to tread between mothers-in-law and daughters in law. It's the one relationship that people get in touch about over again and again. The main thing is to try and have good will towards each other. It seems to me that very often, right from the beginning, they get off on the wrong foot. Mothers tend to be a little bit in love with our sons and we're jealous of this 'other woman. There's no getting away from that. So I think both women should understand that this is going on.
What can daughters-in-law do to ensure a good relationship with their in-laws?
The daughter-in-law should be aware that her mother-in-law loves her children as much as she does. Where there are areas of conflict, it's usually because they have different ideas about areas of children's upbringing, childcare methods and so on. I think mums today should try and be a bit more forgiving. My generation did have different ideas and we haven't always got up to date.'
Are there any aspects of modern parenthood you take issue with?
My generation tend to be critical of and shocked by the attitude to sleep. I know a lot of young parents have their children in bed with them from babyhood and sometimes up to the age of three or four. In my generation you put your child to bed and that was it, and if there was getting up you were quite firm and it wasn't allowed. The other thing we have a problem with is meals and the issues of food. One grandmother said to me I simply can't understand how mothers today allow the children to behave as if they were in a restaurant, with mums cooking three different things for different children!'
| "Everyone's lost sight of the fact that parenting is a very natural process." |
Here at Raisingkids.co.uk we run an annual campaign encouraging families to get Back To The Table. Would you agree with our aim?
You would have grandparents right behind you on that one. It's about learning to communicate and, dare I say it, good table manners. We find it a little bit shocking that children of five and six are still eating with their fingers!
How do you think grandparents can help today's parents?
I think parents could appeal for more help from their mothers-in-law if they feel that help would be useful. Equally, I think grandparents shouldn't offer any advice unless they're asked for it. Grandmothers don't realise that young mums aren't always very confident and it shakes their confidence if you're telling them what to do, because you're implying they don't know what to do!
How was your own relationship with your mother and mother-in-law?
Both my mother and mother-in-law were fantastically tactful. It really comes down to a willingness to listen to each other and understand each other's point of view. I recommend that grandparents should ask parents to lend them whatever childcare books they're using. If you're a Gina Ford mum, then give your mother Gina Ford to read.
Do today's parents have too much advice when it comes to parenting?
When I was young we had Dr Spock and we probably only looked into that if our baby ran a temperature. We sort of stumbled along and did it all by instinct. I think today's parents are too anxious – turning to books for everything. In a way that makes them even more anxious. It's useful to have advice up to a point, but everyone's lost sight of the fact that parenting is a very natural process and it is fairly instinctive. Parenting methods do go in cycles, everything comes around again – if you're a chaotic, slapdash person it's no good trying to have a very structured, disciplined baby life because it's not going to work for you.
How was your own relationship with your mother and mother-in-law?
Both my mother and mother-in-law were fantastically tactful. It really comes down to a willingness to listen to each other and understand each other's point of view. I recommend that grandparents should ask parents to lend them whatever childcare books they're using. If you're a Gina Ford mum, then give your mother Gina Ford to read.
| "Grannies have awful trouble with the folding up of baby buggies – it's something you never seem able to master!" |
What about all the TV parenting programmes. Are you a fan of Supernanny or Tanya Byron?
I sometimes watch them and I think they're great – but we should remember that we're looking at families with problems otherwise they wouldn’t make entertaining viewing. Although more ordinary families can pick up useful tips from those sort of programmes they shouldn’t be too anxious.
Have you made any classic mistakes in looking after your own grandchildren?
Right at the beginning my daughter told me off - it was the first time I ever bathed my first grandchild. I asked my daughter to pass me the talcum powder and she said 'We don't have talcum powder mum, it's terribly bad for babies – it gets into their lungs. I felt deeply old-fashioned. Grannies also have awful trouble with the folding up of baby buggies – it's something you never seem able to master!
How many grandchildren do you have?
I've got five. It's absolute magic – you don't know what to expect and I looked forward enormously to having a grandchild but I just wasn't able to guess the absolute pure joy you feel when this tiny, lovely creature is actually in your arms. It's very extraordinary and very emotional. I don't know what it's like when they become teenagers, as they haven't got that far yet, but the relationship with each of them just gets better and better all the time.
Of course, you can always hand them back at the end of the day…
It's wonderful being involved in their development – much less stressful than being a mother. You're not ultimately responsible for them. But I don't believe in that old cliché about grandparents spoiling them rotten and then handing them back – I think most of us are not in the business of spoiling our grandchildren. But the big thing we can provide is time whereas the parents are always in a rush. I'm quite happy crawling around on the floor pushing toy cars around.
So what will you be doing this year on Grandparents' Day?
I shall be spending it with my daughter and her children, being a good granny!
Grandparent's Day is on Saturday 23 September
The Good Granny Guide’ (Short Books £12.99)
You can join Piggley Winks and the gang for more fun-filled pig tales every Sunday at 8am on BBC2
New Jakers! DVD ‘Spooky Storytellers’ is due out on the 23 October for £12.99
New range of Jakers! books, ‘Piggley Helps Out’, ‘Piggley Makes a Pie’, ‘Piggley’s Treasure Hunt’ and ‘What’s Hatching’ are available to buy now from all good book stores for £3.99 each
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