Raisingkids.co.uk guest expert, life coach Angela Gardner, offers tips for coping with Christmas as a single parent after a partner's death.

Raisingkids member's question
My husband died two years ago and since then I have been trying 'do and be' everything for my two children who are four and six years old. Financially, I need to work and I find that I am completely exhausted most of the time. What I would really like is some time just for me but there doesn't seem to be enough hours in the day! I know I am trying to compensate for the fact that my children have no Dad but I can't help feeling worn out, especially after all the extra demands on my time over the Christmas holidays.

Angela Gardner's reply
Firstly, you need to take a step back. You can't possibly be mother, father, employee, housekeeper and everything that you're trying to be, all at the same time. You mustn't try to compensate for the fact that your husband died, you must try to focus more on your needs in order to give your children what you want to give them.

'Wealth is no longer measured in material possession, but in time. Time to enjoy your family, your home, your friends and the fruits of your success. Without time, money is meaningless.'

Time has now become the most precious commodity for all of us. We're all looking for ways to have more of it, get more out of it, save it, fill it better, enjoy it, stop it and above all, not take it for granted. It's just always passing and once it's gone, there's no getting it back.

Remember the idea, not so many years ago, that new technology was supposed to lead to a more leisurely life style for all of us? Where did we go wrong? Women are under incredible time constraints, juggling, having it all, combining full-time jobs with having a family and all that that entails.

During the weeks leading up to Christmas the pressure on our time is dramatically increased with the 101 jobs that we endeavour to accomplish before the 25th December. There just never seems to be enough time, enough hours in the day.

So what can we do to create more 'Time' in our lives? Here are my top 5 'time for you' tips to help you through the next festive season without exhausting yourself in the process - perhaps you'll even be able to look forward to it!

• 1. Take 15 minutes of quiet planning time each day
  Use this time to plan your working day and your own time. Get into the habit of making lists. Have one list for work and one for jobs around the home. Have a list for your Christmas presents and one for all the other seasonal things you need to buy. Even if you're 'to do' list looks like an uphill struggle you will feel an enormous benefit if you no longer have all your tasks swirling around in you're head.
  
  
• 2. Know your outcome
  Before you make any decision or attempt any task - know why you are doing it and what you'll have achieved when you've done it. Plan you're shopping trips with a clear knowledge of what you want to buy. No more hours spent aimlessly wondering the streets looking that perfect gift!
  
  
• 3. Focus on what's most important every day
  Follow the 20/80 principles. 80% of the value is in 20% of the tasks. Organise your task list in order of priority and ensure you do the most important tasks first.
  
  Don't fall into the trap of doing the easy jobs first because sooner or later those difficult tasks will need to be done and it will be a lot harder if you have not allowed yourself enough time to get the job done. Do you really need to bake your own mince pies? Can you buy your Christmas cake this year and use your time more effectively?
  
  
• 4. Learn to say 'No'
  Every time you say 'yes' to taking on another commitment, you are saying 'no' to time for you. Decide what's important to you and only accept other commitments when you really need to. If you're natural reaction is to say YES when someone asks you to do something - take a minute to think and evaluate before you commit to anything.
  
  
• 5. Spend more time on your life list...
  ...than you do on your Shopping List! This is not a dress rehearsal. The most important person in your life is YOU. You need to think of yourself as a finely tuned instrument that needs great care to perform well.
  
  Do something that makes you feel good. Test drive your favourite car, take dancing lessons, go on a retreat, alter your diet, shop somewhere different. Study something at night school, clean out a drawer or a cupboard, wear something different, experiment with a new aftershave or perfume. Surprise your kids, ride a big dipper, have some fun! Treat yourself regularly and show your family and friends that you value them.

And finally … … … buy yourself a Christmas present and give yourself a pat on the back for being that wonderful person who controls their time well, instead of being controlled by TIME!

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