When a bullied boy grows big enough to fight back, the results can be explosive - and damaging to his school career. Raisingkids.co.uk's guest expert, J. Alexander, author of Bullies, Bigmouths & So-Called Friends, suggests some ways to channel the anger constructively.

Raisingkids member's problem
My son has been being picked on at school by a certain group of boys for about 18 months. He's tall for his age, and has recently started to 'fill out' and become broader and stronger. Unfortunately, he's using his new-found physique to hit back at the bullies, and is getting into trouble for fighting at school. I can understand why he's doing this but how can I stop this behaviour before it lands him in serious trouble?

J. Alexander's advice
Your son needs to learn how to get angry without getting mean. When something annoys him, he shouldn't be afraid to feel his anger. Neither should he deny it by saying he's hurt, fed up, confused etc. nor should he panic and lash out.

In Bullies, Bigmouths & So-Called Friends, I advise children to use anger constructively, as in this extract:

'Feel the surge of energy and hold on to it. Some people say count to 10 under your breath so that you can stay calm. I prefer to look around the room and name 10 objects under my breath ('1 clock, 2 chair, 3 stain on the carpet... ') because that gives you longer to steady yourself.

Then... express the anger. This doesn't mean gives someone a thrashing. The best way to express anger it simply to say you're angry: 'I'm angry that you moved my stuff', 'I'm angry that you took my crisps.' You may not want to express it out loud, but say it to yourself. You need to know you're angry; you have a perfect right to be angry.

Finally... convert the energy into action. This is usually a 2-step process. When your anger first flares up your body wants action... now! You need to walk, run, thump pillows, kick a ball or listen to heavy rock music. If the bullies have chucked your school bag over the wall, running to get it will release some of the energy.

When your body's calmed down, your anger settles to a slow burn. You're still angry but you don't need to lash out any more. Your anger will give you the power and desire to work out a plan of action. Are you going e to tell on the bullies because it isn't the first time? Are you going to let it go because it's a one-off and most of the time they're your mates? Are you going to to get on with the rest of your life and not let their stupid games upset you?

Don't just get mad, get even! That means don't waste all that lovely anger energy shouting and lashing out at people. Use it to understand what you want and work out how you're going to get it.'

J. Alexander's reply comes from Bullies, Bigmouths & So-Called Friends (£4.99) published by Hodder Children's Books ISBN: 0340875658