How can you help your children recover when someone very close to them disappoints them? Raisingkids' teenager expert, Chris Turner looks at the problem from all angles.

Raisingkids member's problem
My two teenage daughters' absent father turned up out of the blue after three years with virtually no contact. He came to see them daily for about 10 days, told them his current relationship was over and that he would be moving back to this area and seeing them regularly. He began to look for somewhere to stay and a job, and he took them out and talked to them about why he had gone in the first place without saying goodbye to them. I thought he was genuinely trying to make up for lost time.

He has now gone back to his partner again without contacting the girls to say goodbye and the youngest one who is 12 is absolutely devastated. I am at my wits' end not knowing what to say to her. I did try to warn them at the start that he might not stay but this means nothing now they are hurt again. It took a long time for them to get over the first time and I am really worried for the damage he might have done.

Expert Chris Turner's Advice
Hello and thanks for your email, which I feel I may have to answer, in some ways, from your ex-partner's viewpoint. It is very hard for anybody to break contact with their children and often the person gets judged wrongly. There may be circumstances outside his control or which may affect his current relationship. Perhaps his partner is scared that she will be asked to accept your children on visits and things or could be worried about the impact the children will have on their relationship.

But in saying that, I can understand how hard it must be on you and your children to have him leave without a word for a second time. All I can suggest is that you try and explain to them that there may be something else affecting his ability to see them, as I have stated above.

Explain to them that the fact he came back once means that he could well come back again, but in the meantime that you all need to move on and not allow the events to ruin your family life now. I know it may be hard but you need to portray him in a non-judgmental way. That doesn't mean you have to be positive, just that you shouldn't be negative.

Support your daughters, which I am sure you are doing anyway, and if he contacts you or them again explain fully to him the hurt he caused and how you are not willing to put your children through that again thereby ensuring any future contact is a more structured event. In the meantime it sound like you and your daughters have a great relationship. Don't let it be damaged by this and be there for each other.