What do you do if the daughter you know and love appears to have turned into a stranger overnight? Raisingkids' teenager expert, Chris Turner says there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

Raisingkids member's problem
I'm at my wits end. My 17-year-old daughter told us a month ago that she was giving up college, had no intention of going to university and was going to live with her 17 year-old boyfriend in his family home and get a job. Since then the only thing she hasn't done on that list is get a job.

She is so miserable and is alienating family and friends. I can't get through to her and nor can anyone else. I am so worried that she will do something drastic. I tried asking her best friend if she knew of any problems (she didn't) and that got back to my daughter who is now not talking to either of us.

This is so unlike her, as up until a few months ago she has been a 'perfect' daughter. I've tried telling her all I want is her happiness/we love her just the same/take time/get a job and give up college/we're here to listen. Would taking the 'enough is enough get in the car and come back home' line work? I don't know how I’d keep her at home and she's old enough now to leave home

Expert Chris Turner's Advice
My daughter came to me half-way through her A-levels and asked if she could drop them and join up as a Queen's Alexander Nurse. She said she had talked with the staff at college, but they were giving her a hard time about it. So I sorted it, she dropped her A-levels and……did nothing!

She started dating some useless layabout who couldn't hold down a small balloon, let alone a job. She lost all her friends, she started lying, stealing from us, family members didn’t want to know her, we had debt companies calling us chasing her etc etc. But if you asked her she said she was happy. Her version of being happy and mine were totally different. No matter what I did or said, nothing changed. She tried the moving out bit and I tried the come back home bit like you suggest, but no that didn't work.

The only thing that did work, was waiting for her to realise that she had lost friends, that her boyfriend was a waste of space and that she could do much better. She now lives back at home. Yes, we still argue about things, but she works in a care home and loves the work, she is getting herself qualified and even though she hasn't told me, I know she is thinking off applying to the local Uni to do nursing.

We all want that perfect son/daughter, but what does that mean? To me, that perfect child is somebody who can talk to you, tries to work things out on their own but know they can ask for help, and are doing something that makes them happy and doing it because they want to, not because somebody has told them to do it.

I think both you and I both know the 'get in the car' bit won't work, but letting her know that you are there for her and will only give advice when she asks for it is more likely to work than anything.