A strained relationship has led this teenager's mother to ask her to live elsewhere. Is there anyway of salvaging their relationship? Our teenager expert, Chris Turner looks at the situation.

Raisingkids member's problem
My daughter is 18 and doesn't seem keen to find a job and prefers to get up late and just 'chill' with her friends. Her friends have different values to me and she is fast becoming like them. I'm finding it increasingly difficult to relate to her and we argue constantly. She has run up phone bills and bank overdrafts which I have paid as I don't want to have bad credit attached to my house and we have also argued about this.

A few weeks ago we argued for the last time and I asked her to leave. I've done this in the hope that will shake her into some responsibility. However, it hasn't and she sleeps at her mate's house and sometimes at my mother's. She doesn't seem to care! I can see our relationship slipping away and I'm not sure what else to do. What I don't want to do is to allow her to live in the house, not working and just being lazy as I don't believe that will teach her anything.

Expert Chris Turner's Advice
Sometimes it's almost like Raisingkids' readers are talking about my own teenagers - so let me say straightaway I do know what you are going through. Eighteen is the magic age, suddenly teenagers become an adult and they believe they know everything and can do anything, that the world owes them for some reason and that nothing can touch them. Does that sound about right?

The truth is I think that 18 can be a worse age than say 14/15, because teenagers are classed as an adult and responsible for their own actions and consequences, but often they don't realise or understand the damage they do. Perhaps your daughter doesn't clearly understand what having a bad credit rating means, however she is not likely to learn if she knows that you will pay off or clear her debits. So this needs to be stopped, otherwise you will find she is likely to run up bigger and bigger debits because she knows you will clear them.

I had a similar problem with mobile phone companies and credit companies phoning for one of our daughters. We told her to get it sorted; she didn't and so we passed them her mobile phone number and told them to phone it and not the house. If she changed her number we passed on the new number. It has taken a while, but she has learnt the hard way.

However it has damaged the relationship we all had, basically because she now knows that we will not jump when she needs help. She has to try and sort it out herself first and prove that she has tried to sort it. Thankfully, the relationship is slowly returning, although it will never be as it was.

You are right - your daughter cannot live in your house for free or without rules. But we both know that is so easy to say but hard to do. Wait until she comes to you for help, which she will do, even if it is only to have clothes cleaned/washed. Then tell her you are happy to help and have her living at home but there has to be ground rules. For example, she has to pay rent whether she is working or not and this is to be paid in advance. She has to help around the house and keep her room clean and tidy etc, friends can only stay when agreed by you and so on…. Don’t forget it is your home.