A stepmother new to parenting despairs at the teenagers she's acquired. Our teenager expert, Chris Turner explains the rules of engagement.

Raisingkids member's problem
I have recently entered into a relationship with a man who already has three teenage daughters, two of whom live with him. I have not got any children, and never really wanted any, but am trying very hard to fit in with the family thing. All was OK to start with, as the girls did not know me particularly well and were not likely to shout at me. They do, however, shout and scream at their father.

Their mother left the house two years ago to live with another man. They speak to her nearly every day but only see her once a year. The screaming matches are now at me and I am at a loss as to why. Their father has done everything for them since mother left - he was advised to give up work to get benefits, but he refused as he wanted to provide for his children. We now both provide for them, everything they want and need, but they do not appreciate anything.

They accuse him of being the worst father in the world, and tell us that we don't care about them, and, when we go out for a meal or drink they accuse us of abandoning them. I don't understand this behaviour. They should be thanking us for all we do for them; instead it all gets thrown back at us. And, of course, mother is the perfect parent. I would be grateful for any advice you could give as to how to handle this, as I have been very calm up to now, but I feel I could explode at them, which I know will not help.

Expert Chris Turner's Advice
Entering into any relationship where there are already children is a very hard thing to do, because you are entering an established family unit where the values and attitudes are likely to differ from your own. Becoming a step-parent is the hardest job in the world, because you have to want to be the one that they can turn to, and need to meet all the extra demands being a step-parent brings, such as being judged as to whether or not you are treating them the same, are you doing it as well as the natural parent would etc.

You don't say how old the girls are, but I would hazard a guess and say 14 to 15 yrs old. Why? Because they sound just like mine acted at this age when they became very vocal and started to believe that the only way to get a point across was to shout and scream.

If the screaming was only aimed at their father at first and now you are also receiving it, this could be seen as a good thing. It could mean that they are accepting you as part of the family unit. I found by talking quietly and calmly, not being drawn into the screaming etc works, slowly they get the message and start to talk normally.

You say they should be thanking you for all you do for them. But as a parent I think that everything I do for my children I do for love and not for thanks. It may be nice to get the odd thank-you, but in all honesty, if I get a smile, or a hug then I'm happy.

Being a parent or step-parent isn't a competition; try not to allow yourself to be drawn into an argument which compares you to their natural mother, because you will lose every time. Unfortunately, there is no easy overnight fix. Only in time will you be able to work at and build a healthy happy relationship with these girls. Even now with my stepson, after 24 years, I sometimes get the odd look from a family member implying 'well you are not his father', (No but I am his dad, is what I feel like replying).

Hang in there. Don' let them get to you. It does get better - honestly - and remember you can always chat on the discussion forums, there are plenty of step-parents on there.