Can a 13-year-old know that he's gay? Our expert, Chris Turner, offers advice on this sensitive issue.

Raisingkids member's problem
Hello, My 13-yr-old son believes he is gay. When he was about eight he was called gay at school because he went to into a cubicle in the toilets to 'do his business'. Since then, this has followed him around and he is traumatised by this experience. He has 'fancied' girls in the past, but is now talking himself into being gay. He is very developed for his age - pubic and facial hairs, etc.

I found out how he feels by accident, as he had been on some very unsavoury sites for gay people. He says he is not sure what he is now, and it is going round and round in his head all the time. I don't know how I should help him. Whilst I am not ecstatic about this, I can live with the fact that he may be gay, but my husband is very homophobic. Can a 13-year-old know for sure what his sexuality is? I feel he needs to speak to an expert in these matters, who can explain to him how to deal with his feelings. I don't want someone to say, 'yes you are gay', or 'no you are not', but I would like someone to go through his trauma and help him to get to terms with himself. Is it normal, that a 13-yr-old should have these feelings? I am very worried and confused!

Expert Chris Turner's Advice
Thank-you for a question on what a lot of parents fear and sometimes may misunderstand the truth about, namely homosexuality.

A person is born gay. They do not choose to be gay or cannot be turned gay because of something somebody said or called them and that person may know from a very early age or may not know until they are older.

At 13 yrs old, your son is still going through puberty. No matter how much facial hair he has etc, his hormones are still running riot through his body, which can sometimes cause confused thoughts about his own sexuality. But from what you are saying, it does sound more likely that your son feels he is gay and is looking for help and support from you around this. I would be concerned about certain websites which claim to be offering advice, so I'd advise you to take a look at the following sites instead:

www.fflag.org.uk Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays - Very good site.

www.gayfamilysupport.com Similar to above - gives very good support.

www.gayyouthuk.org.uk This is one for your son, a site which offers good support.

Many of my friends are gay, and at school I was bullied because people thought I was gay. Some still do now. One of my friends who is in his late twenties has come out to his mother but not his father for fear of what his dad may think. He also had girl friends and even took them home, but he will be the first to admit it was to hide his own true feelings. Personally I don't agree with him hiding it from his dad, but that is his choice, I just think it would be better if his father heard the news from him, rather than second-hand from somebody else.

Only your son will know if he is gay or not, and it may take a little while for him to come to terms with it himself,. But if and when he does, just be there for him as if and when he does come out, it is an honour to be the first one told. My daughter didn't come out until she was 19, but she told me first. She is much happier as a person now as she is - out and proud. Good Luck