How can you help a teenager who seems hellbent on self-destruction? Our teenager expert offers an insight into a teenager's mind to a worried mother.

Raisingkids member's problem
My daughter was 17 in January and has always been incredibly shy. She has a problem making and keeping friends. I always had a very close relationship with her but when she was younger she met this lad and she's changed. She doesn't talk about her problems but has admitted she has a problem with me.

I think she blames me for her father leaving. I have also been very ill for eleven years and have had very little support from friends or family. She lies and drinks and self harms and has totally changed. She is mixing with kids who are a few years younger than her and who have problems with drugs, drink and the police. She is not responsible and really doesn't have a clue about anything. I have tried being firm with her but she self harms or runs away or threatens suicide. She is drinking to give herself confidence and has now expressed a desire to have a flat. I really don't know what to do.

The constant stress isn't making this illness any better and my son who is now 19 is leaving this year as he is at University. I really can't cope with her. She can very unpleasant. She won't talk when she is at home and really only comes back to wash, eat and sleep. She doesn't help very much either. Please help.

Expert Chris Turner's Advice
It is very difficult when children feel they can’t talk to us, because just reading through this I would say that she does need somebody to talk to. Being shy in itself is hard, but people do learn to cope.

The fact she has told you that she has a problem with you, but not explained what it is can, be very frustrating. How do you deal with something if you don't know what it is?

You mention that you have been ill for eleven years and had very little support from family and friends, could it be that your daughter feels almost duty bound to provide care. Our family has a similar situation. I know my children understand that their mum is severely disabled, but we have always made sure that they should never feel like they have to change plans to accommodate her. Just that once in a while they could help if asked. Could this be part of the problem?

The self harming, threatening suicide, drinking to give her self-confidence are all indicators to me that she does need some form of help and support. Many young people struggle with the amount of changes that can happen in their lives at this age. Often just talking to a Youth Counsellor or Youth Support Worker can help. Are there any Youth Agencies in your Area that she could access? If you are unsure then give you local Connexions office a ring or email them here, they should have all the information you need on local agencies etc.

It is obvious that you care a great deal about your daughter; just telling her this and being there for her will help. But don't forget to look after yourself. If you need support or just to chat etc, then you can always use the discussion boards here at Raisingkids where there are many people only to willing to help and be supportive.