When nosiness gets the best of one mother, she discovers something about her daughter she wished she'd never read. Our teenager expert advises on what to do next.

Raisingkids member's problem
My daughter is 17 soon to be 18. Tidying her bedroom I found her notebook. Nosiness got the better of me and I read the last entry. She went to a male friend's house a few weeks ago - they are not in a relationship at all, they work together at her Saturday job. Her entry says she slept with him and this sounds extremely casual. What do I do now? Tell her I was reading her private book (which was left in an open position on her desk) and risk her wrath? I have spoken to her about looking after herself sexually and having respect for herself. I am so disappointed to find this out, but I am also concerned about her casual approach to this - did she use protection, does she know his history?

Expert Chris Turner's Advice
There are several point here, firstly if she is 17/18 why are you tidying her bedroom? She is an adult and has to be allowed to have reasponsibility for her own room and things. I know through having teenage daughters of my own, their rooms are their responsibility and as such have become their own private areas. They leave letters, wage slips, notes, email printouts just laying around, but they also know neither I or my wife would ever read any of them because it would be a breach of trust on our part.

I think you have placed yourself in an impossible or at least a very tricky situation on how to raise the topic without her finding out that you read her private note book. And the simple answer is you can't.

However you must have a good relationship with your daughter to be able to talk to her about looking after herself sexually and having respect for herself.

Having casual sex with a friend does not mean that she doesn't have self respect - it may have been a case of taking their friendship to a new level or something they both felt towards each other at the time. While this may not be of a great comfort to you at the moment it is one of the ways our children learn. They learn through mistakes or bad judgement calls and as long as we are there for them then sometimes it is best to allow them to do so as long as they are not placing themselves in danger.

I can understand your concern over did they use protection, and does she know his history etc, with the amount of STIs out there at the moment it should be a major concern to everybody. All I can suggest is that you try and raise the topic gently, such as show her the Let's Talk Sex quiz on the Channel 4 website. It could prove to be a useful ice breaker into getting a conversation going about staying safe in a sexual relationship.

If you think your relationship with your daughter would take it, then you could say that you saw something in a note book when you where tidying her room, but that would raise the questions about how long did it take to read it, should you have respected the fact it was private etc etc. The one thing you do need to do is have another talk with your daughter and just get reassurance that she is aware of all the facts and figures and is keeping herself safe.