Is there any way for a mother who regrets having a child to improve her relationship with her daughter? Parenting expert, Dr. Pat Spungin, advises.

Raisingkids member's problem
I was never very keen on having children but my husband desperately wanted a baby. Now our daughter is nearly three and I still don't feel very maternal. I feed her and look after her but I can't seem to feel very warm towards her. I had a difficult birth that lasted nearly three days. Do you think that's why I feel this way?

Dr Spungin's advice
It's possible that your negative birth experience had some effect on your feelings about your little girl. However, this was three years ago, and your issue now is to see how you can put things right and build a closer relationship with her.

Think about the things you like doing together and do more of them - if you like reading to her, for example, make more opportunities to read. The more positive things you can together, the better your relationship will be.

When you do these things, make sure there is a physical closeness between you. You know how you feel but your daughter only knows what you do. So if you like reading to her, put her on you lap and cuddle her while you look at the book. This is known as 'fake it til you make it'. If you act as you would do if you felt more warmly towards your daughter (i.e. ‘fake it') your feelings and attitudes may also start to change.

It's important for your daughter to feel that at least one parent feels warmly towards her. Encourage the relationship with her father.

Remember that your relationship with your daughter is constantly changing as she grows and develops. You may not be the best mother for a three yr-old but you could be a great mother to a 10 yr-old, when different things are required from you. It's possible that you will find an older child far more likeable and easier to play with and talk to. Be aware that if you don't work at the relationship now, you may feel 'shut out' later and regret not trying when you had the chance.

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