To an adult, competing over who can make the most mess of themselves seems very strange. Parenting expert and child psychologist Dr Pat Spungin, CEO of Raisingkids.co.uk, has some suggestions on how to stop this behaviour.

Raisingkids member's problem
My identical twin boys are 4 yrs-old and keep pooing their pants even though they've been potty-trained for over a year. Sometimes they smear it everywhere. I've tried ignoring it, clearing it up and treating it as an accident.

I give them lots of praise if they use the lavatory and we even tried a sticker reward scheme, which led to conflict and competition. It's very embarrassing and family members criticise and refuse the twins things as punishment. One is worse than the other and I tried sending him to his room but his brother had an accident on purpose to get the same treatment. He said he didn't want me to hate his brother and he was lonely with no one to play with.

It's really disgusting and I'm losing my patience. They seem to outwit me on every score and I'm running out of options.

Dr Spungin's advice
If they've been behaving like this for over a year, there's some 'gain' for them. My guess is they're engaged in some kind of power struggle with you. To date, it looks as if they're winning, in which case they're unlikely to give it up. Look at what you can - and can't - do.

You can't win! You can't make them go when and where you want - they're in control of that. It takes two to engage in a power struggle. If you can't win the battle, call it off. Assuming there's no underlying physical reasons for this behaviour, look at your options. Ignoring, being calm, and rewarding 'good' behaviour didn't work. Now I suggest you try making them take the consequences of what they do. Do it calmly and matter-of-factly but … they should take the consequences.

When they soil themselves, I assume they come to you to clean and change them. Don't be in too much of a hurry to do anything. Send them to get clean clothes then take them to the bathroom. Ask them if they want to clean themselves up by themselves or want you to keep them company. Do this somewhere, like the bathroom, where any mess they make they can clean up easily. They must be responsible for cleaning up their mess.

Keep the tone low key, calm but firm. If they smear in the rest of the house, ask them to clean it up and make sure they do it properly. Throughout all of this you have to try to stay calm. Once they know they've got you riled, they feel they've won. At the moment it's a chore and an embarrassment for you so shift that onto your twins.

At 4, they're old enough to talk to. When you are quiet and happy together, talk about it with them. Rather than react when the worst happens, tackle it when you have them in a mellow mood.

• Tell them it upsets you when they soil themselves.
  
  
• Say you know they don't want to make you angry and upset.
  
  
• Ask 'What shall we do to make sure it doesn't happen?' and see if they can suggest something, like saying something funny or silly when they want to go.
  
  
• At the same time, remove a privilege whenever they soil themselves e.g.have a jar of sweets and take one of their sweets away every time they soil themselves. In this way you give them control but they have to use it to the right ends.
  
  
• Alternatively, make a list of favourite TV shows for the week and every time they soil themselves, cross off of one of the programmes. You know what they like so build the removal of privileges around that.
  
  
• I would treat the two of them as a unit. So, one jar of sweets - not one each - and if either soils themselves, you remove the sweets.

You may have to be prepared for the situation to get worse before it gets better (e.g. they won't be able to clean themselves up as well as you do) but that's part of the deal and as long as you bath them before bed time it is unlikely to do any harm. The usual recommendations for this type of problem are ignore the bad and reward the good. This hasn't worked for you. Please let me know if you have any success with your change of tactics.

• Ask Our Parenting Expert: More Answers About 1-4 Yr-Olds
• Twin Trouble - See Our Siblings Section
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