An exasperating toddler can drive even the best parent to their wits' end. Parenting expert and child psychologist Dr Pat Spungin, CEO of Raisingkids.co.uk, has some suggestions to help you keep your cool.

Raisingkids member's problem
My 2½ year-old is uncontrollable, extremely naughty, and never does what I ask. How can I calm him down and make him pay attention? Also, he's still in nappies and shows no interest in using the toilet.

Dr Spungin's advice
A 2½ year-old who isn't toilet trained isn't unusual, but start encouraging him. Click here for some tips or have a look at our discussion forums. I've outlined some guidelines that may help with his behaviour but unfortunately, they're not a quick fix. If you and he have got into the habit of confrontation, it'll take time to change.

Don't go head to head. Your over-all aim is to stop confrontation and encourage co-operation. When he's refusing to do what you ask, it's tempting to exert more pressure and get angry. As he's a strong-willed child, the more pressure, the more he will resist, so the first step is to avoid situations that cause confrontation. Anticipate tantrum triggers and avoid them where possible. In some cases, ask yourself if it's worth fighting about - if the answer is no, leave it.

Stay calm. The more you react, the more he reacts. Break the cycle and stay calm. Don't make winning the issue. Where possible, actively ignore negative attention-seeking. Walk away, go into another room or turn your back on him (make sure he's safe first). If there's no audience, the performance will stop.

Catch him doing something right and give him recognition for it: If he co-operates, say 'Good boy!' and give him a cuddle. Praise and positive acknowledgment can become something that your son will actively seek.

Give him some room for manoeuvre. Even 2½ year-olds like to have choice - so ask, don't demand. When you want him to do something, give him a choice (where possible) e.g. 'What do you want to do? You want to make a poo in your potty or on the toilet?' This works better than ordering, especially if you use a calm, reasonable voice.

Boundaries - children respond to order and structure in their world but resent being nagged and told what to do. State your rules calmly and firmly, using the 'broken record technique'. Keep saying what you want, without getting emotional or involved.

If you'd like more information, I can recommend Toddler Taming by Christopher Green.

It seems you have a very independent-minded toddler and he probably needs more careful handling than a placid child. I'd suggest you check out your area to see if there are any parenting groups you could attend. If you're UK-based, Parentline Plus has a freephone helpline for parents where you can get a sympathetic ear and information about local resources for parents.

• Ask Our Parenting Expert: More Answer About 1-4 Yr-Olds
• Toddler Tantrums: How To Respond
• Need Someone To Talk To? www.parentlineplus.org.uk