Money is going missing, but the chief suspect is adamant that it's nothing to do with her. Our parenting expert Dr Pat Spungin is on the case.

Raisingkids member's problem
We have a problem with my 14-year-old stepdaughter. She has been stealing money from our house and those living in her father's home. When she lived with us money and items started going missing something that had never happened before. This is also happening in her father's home now she has moved back with him. We are all worried about her as she denies it is her and then has major spells of anger when confronted about missing money. The last straw was stealing from her younger brother all of his holiday money and spending it and then blaming her older sister who was not in the house at the time.

We have all tried to help her tried to find out why she does it but she is emphatic it is not her despite the fact she buys CDs, makeup and other items we know she can not afford on just her pocket money. What should we do? Her mother and I are of the opinion she should see someone professionally her father says a good swift kick up the backside is what she needs. Please help - she may not be my daughter but I love her as if she were.

Dr Spungin's advice

A few general words about stealing: First of all, pre-school children can't be accused of stealing as they don't understand property rights and ownership. Pre school children who take things very seldom conceal them which is what usually accompanies stealing as we understand it. When the culprit knows they have done wrong and tries to conceal the evidence.

By the age of seven you'd expect a child to understand the concept of things belonging to others people and at this age, children are fully aware of what stealing means.

Children steal for a variety of reasons. Sometimes they steal to give to others to make themselves popular. You say that your step daughter hangs around with richer kids and when she has money, likes to splash it around. Children steal because there's something they really want and they can't see another way of getting it. And then there are kids who steal from a sense of bravado – shoplifting often falls into that category.

Some kids steal because they feel that something is missing in their life and what's missing may be love and attention. You say you love this child like your own but the relationship between step parents and step children is often very complex. Reading between the lines it started when she was nine and it appears that at this time there was a lot of tension in the family. This type of behaviour is not unusual when children are in stress ful situation as with family breakdown.

If she's stealing when she's outside the family home she is going to lose friends and get a bad reputation. Your problem now is to get her to agree to getting help. How?

I think you have to broach this subject at a time when everyone is relaxed and communicating. I think that you should not be involved in the conversation but leave it either to her mother or the sister who is close to her. Introduce the topic in a non-accusatory way. The most important thing is to stay calm and neutral. Try approaching it this way. 'You must be very upset and angry that we've been accusing you of stealing, – is that right? (wait for an answer)

It would be very hard to own up to it if you were stealing, wouldn’t it?
(wait for an answer). You know people often steal when they are unhappy, is that how you feel? And I expect that if you were stealing you would be worried if you felt you couldn’t stop?

See if you can find a way to give her the opportunity to own up to it. Maybe she's worried that it's getting worse. If by this time she's already yelling and shouting, just stay calm and ask her to hear you out. Try to avoid accusing her.

• Teenagers and divorce
  
• Read more of Dr Spungin's Expert Answers
  
• Bullying: Support Organisations