If you've found out a teenager's secret, how can you raise the issue without looking like you've been snooping? Parenting expert Dr. Pat Spungin has some advice.

Raisingkids member's problem
While my 13 yr-old partner's daughter was out, I found a note from her boyfriend. It invites her to stay at his house while his mother is away. I have a very close relationship with her and wouldn't want her to think I was snooping in any way but, naturally, I am worried. I also don't know whether to bring this to her father's attention. It all feels like such a mess - what can I do?

Dr Spungin's advice
I can understand your worry, but things are not necessarily as they seem. The fact that she was invited to this boy's house doesn't automatically mean anything sexual. It may be that his mother is going out and he has asked some friends over.

Whatever the meaning of the letter, you have to talk to her and to her
father. Ask her neutral questions: 'What does the note mean?' 'Who else would be there?' 'What do you think about this boy?'. As a first step, try to get as much information as you can both about the facts of the matter and her feelings.

Then in the same vein, tell her what you think. Tell her that you and her father worry about her, you think she is too young for a relationship with a boy. Treat her as a responsible person and expect her to do the right thing. It's difficult to keep track of her 24 hours per day, so you have to be able to trust her. Do this by making it clear what your views and expectations are, and emphasise that you expect and trust her to comply.

If you take a look at our discussion board you'll see that you are not alone. You may like to make a post yourself and see if other parents have useful suggestions. You will certainly get a lot of support from other parents going through the same thing.

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