How do you live with an obnoxious teenager who thinks he knows better than everyone else? Raisingkids.co.uk's child psychologist Dr Pat Spungin suggests ways of coping with teenagers as they go through that rebellious and confrontational stage.

Raisingkids member's problem
We're finding it difficult to cope with our 17 yr-old, who often calls his mother 'a f***ing bitch' and uses the 'f' word ' frequently. He disagrees with absolutely everything, from wearing his seatbelt to washing (which he does daily) with soap. He has even been known to hit his sister when she argues with him. Everyone else is always wrong - teachers, employers, driving instructor etc. - and he refuses to discuss matters calmly.

Sometimes he can be charming and loving, and he's intensely loyal to his friends. He's also extremely frank with us on some matters e.g. he told us openly when he started smoking cannabis and he accepted without question that he was not allowed to do so at home. He drinks moderately and rarely smokes tobacco. He stays up until early morning and, if possible, will remain in bed until early afternoon. On workdays, he does get up in time albeit with a lot of pressure from us. Somewhere inside him is a nice person trying to get out, but he won't accept any guidance or advice from anyone.

He's slightly dyspraxic and we believe he has ADD. He hasn't had any notable success in his life - he is not academic, sporting or practical and he has no real hobbies. He gained a smattering of lower grade GCSE's but pleaded to leave school after 2 terms in the lower 6th as he knew that he would not have any success at AS exams. He is starting on a Foundation Course at a University College in September. Any advice on the situation would be welcome.

Dr Spungin's advice
It's tough being 17, especially if you haven't 'had any notable success' in your life! It's a time when adolescents ask themselves: 'Who am I?' 'What kind of a person am I?' and 'What will I do with my life?' For your son, the answers to these questions probably don't make him feel good and therefore he's rejecting (and angry at) the institutions that make him feel bad - school, work and family.

However, there are a lot of good things in the thumbnail sketch you give of your son. He bathes - so he doesn't use soap, so what! - he doesn't smoke or drink to excess, he's holding down a job, he's going back to study... but most of all, he can talk to you about some issues and you believe him to be nice.

You imply he has no special skills or talents. Is that really true? Remember that school sets up a very narrow view of what constitutes success. In life people with emotional intelligence, social skills, persuasive powers etc. all do well without academic qualifications. A friend of mine had 4 children, 3 of whom were academically successful, but the youngest left school at 16. With charm, social skills and hard work, he became the most successful of them all.

The important thing is for you to help him find the things he's good at, and build on them. You and your wife should list all his good personal qualities and then make sure that he knows you value them. Let him hear you giving praise for the good things he does - not just criticism of his shortcomings. You say he's intensely loyal to his friends - this is because they don't judge him but make him feel accepted for who he is now. Our Parenting Skills section contains advice on talking to your teenager and offers guidance on how to communicate with your teen in a less critical and judgmental way. I don't think it will be easy, but if you persevere he will become more cooperative over time.

Swearing and hitting is unacceptable and abusive. Talk to him about this in a calm and unemotional manner. Ask him how he would feel if one of his friends called his mother a 'f***ing bitch'. How is it that he wouldn't like his mother to be insulted by a friend and yet it's absolutely fine for him to do it? Tell him that his lack of respect upsets you and his mother because after all, you are the people who care for him most in the world. Assert your own rights to be treated with civility and consideration, and not to be abused in your own home. Make him feel ashamed of the way he speaks to the family and say it all more in sorrow than in anger.

Likewise hitting his sister - there may be underlying jealousy that he expresses in this way. You and his mother should think about whether this is the reason - see our Brothers & Sisters section for more help. Whatever he feels, there are acceptable ways of expressing anger and resentment, but hitting is not one of them.

• Attention Deficit Disorder Info - www.addiss.co.uk
• More Answers From Dr Pat Spungin
• Sibling Rivalry
• Discussion: My Teenage Son