Sibling squabbles are par for the course, but how do you cope when they become a constant part of family life? In this extract from our archives, parenting expert and child psychologist Dr Pat Spungin, CEO of Raisingkids.co.uk, advises on this common problem.

Raisingkids member's problem
Our 14 yr-old consistently annoys and teases his 12 yr-old brother (and less frequently his 8 yr-old sister). The brothers share a bedroom but the teasing often leads to physical confrontations. We find it hard to apportion blame as both sons niggle each other.

We have tried as a family to resolve issues but the effects are always short-lived. This situation has been ongoing for the last couple of years and is now becoming intolerable. The children spend two or three weekends a year with their grandparents where they behave very well towards each other but as soon the family gets back together the same teasing and arguments begin. We would appreciate advice on how to discipline or discuss the issues in the family and an indication of where more detailed advice can be found.

Dr Spungin's advice
Try to understand your 14 yr-old's behaviour, as you seem to hold him responsible for most of the niggling and fighting. Adolescence brings a lot of pressure: school can be stressful, or he may be jealous of his younger brother, and all this may lead him to taking it out on his siblings.

Another possibility is he is just doing it because it makes him feel powerful (it's a form of bullying). Don't assume the smaller and weaker child is always the victim. A younger sibling may not be able to overcome an older one physically but they can get them into trouble by niggling until they get hit and then running crying to their parents! Whatever the cause tackle it now if it is spoiling the atmosphere at home. Here's several ideas for you to consider:

Do some troubleshooting! Do certain flashpoints cause most of the problems? Possessions? Time spent on the computer? If so, make them make an agreement about what rules apply (like a rota for who chooses which TV show to watch …whatever… but they should do it). The best solutions to petty problems are the ones they figure out for themselves. Don't imagine peace will reign forever. It won't, but you may get a few days quiet and when the shouting starts, you can always refer them back to the agreement. If they complain they can 't agree anything then suggest a few possibilities - taking turns, tossing a coin, or trading favours but don't impose your solution. The critical lesson is for them to learn how to do it themselves.

Try not to take sides. You speak about 'responsible' and 'blame'. I'd forget this because whatever you do, you'll always leave one of your children feeling hard done by. It's often difficult to see who starts the niggling. Your aim is to stop it and the best way to do that is to avoid taking sides. Don't get drawn into any conversation that begins 'he started it' or 'it's not fair'. If you didn't see who started, don't get involved. Say 'I don't care who started it I want it stopped'. And if they won't stop it then take away whatever is causing the fight.

I would also take a firm line on snide remarks that cause one or the other to lose their temper. If it looks like bickering will become something more serious, give your kids a warning. 'If you can't be together peacefully - or at least quietly - then one of you go to your room.'

I hope that this helps. It may take time as the pattern seems to have become entrenched but as you can see from their stay with their grandparents they can get along together. Good luck!

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