Is boarding school the answer for a troubled teen? Parenting expert and child psychologist Dr Pat Spungin, CEO of Raisingkids.co.uk, offers her advice.

Raisingkids member's problem
My teenage daughter won't conform, reacts badly to authority, and hates her school. She's fallen in with a bad crowd, and she dresses the same as they all do - dirty, second-hand clothes, piercings and T-shirts with filthy slogans.

She wants to go to a boarding school which is non-disciplined and non-uniformed (they say it makes children self-motivated). Will she benefit from being away from her family, in an environment with less discipline?

Dr Spungin's advice
Should she board? I don't think so. She's your daughter and you're the one who has to provide the guidance she needs. Changing school may move the problem but I don't think it'll solve it. Could you sleep at night wondering what she is up to, at a school you have little confidence in? Wouldn't you worry about her leaving school without qualifications?

Getting a dialogue going is the most important thing. Talk to her in a way that allows her some freedom of expression but also makes her respect your limits. Rather than telling her what she can and can't do, explain how you feel and what changes you would like to see. Going to boarding school is not a solution for you, so what other alternatives are there? Get her to explain which solutions she sees to the problem. In the jargon, get her to 'own the problem'. Work with her to find a solution you can both agree on and - stay calm! If she owns the problem she's more likely to follow through when you find a solution.

On a more general note... Rebellion is normal at this age. I usually recommend parents to ease up on the unimportant stuff like clothes and body piercings but make clear what they expect on major issues like school work, drinking, drugs and general civility at home. Click here to find out more about what to expect!

Unfortunately, things get worse before they get better - improvement usually comes by 17 or 18). Try and come to grips with the problems now, before she drifts into worse company and becomes even more rebellious. It's a cliché, I know, but you need to find a way of talking to her and establish some rules and some boundaries. Talking to her requires a change from the way you talked to her when she was a child.

On the positive side your daughter obviously has independence of mind. But she is still a young girl and you have to tackle the issue. A ray of hope: I know several families who have been through exactly what you describe. They had a dreadful few years but they hung in there. Now their children are either doing well at university or in decent jobs. Hold on to the mast. The journey may get worse before it gets better. Over the years you and your daughter have built up strong bonds, so have faith in your own judgement even when it causes conflict and fights. Try to keep talking and spend time together. She doesn't want to upset you, she just wants to have more freedom.

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