The parents of an 8-yr-old girl are finding her aggressive behaviour hard to cope with. Dr. Pat Spungin, raisingkids.co.uk's resident child psychologist, shows them how to build on their daughter's good points.

Raisingkids member's problem
Our 8-yr-old daughter is causing us concern. She was diagnosed with Narcolepsy (a sleep disorder) in September but she had been having symptoms from the age of 5. She is a caring child and loves animals, dancing and horseriding. Unfortunately, she is extremely aggressive both verbally and physically and it is always directed towards me. Some of her behaviour can be put down to the fact that her medications affect mood and behaviour. We do love her and whenever she is misbehaving we tell her afterwards that we love her but don't like the way she is behaving. We praise her whenever we can. I have just received a letter from her with regard to a recent tantrum she threw - it says 'Dear Mum and Dad. Sorry for being naughty. I guess I went to bed late and got up in a mood. Everything I do is wrong. I'm very sorry and will try harder next time. Lots of love. PS Please forgive me.' There's a picture of a house with a heart above it and three people holding hands and smiling.

Dr Spungin's advice
I recommend 'How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk' by Faber & Mazlish as an excellent book to help you get on the right wavelength with your daughter. You may find this particularly useful, as one of the authors had a child she found very irritating. He was whiney and complaining and she had to persist for a long time before changing his behaviour. She charts her progress in turning around his whole outlook on life. There are also three expert replies on raisingkids you can read here that might be relevant.

Sorry Is The Hardest Word
The post-outburst loving and apologetic note is familiar to me, as my youngest was prone to lose her temper and then was full of regrets. This is a positive indication that your daughter, when calm, doesn't like the way she behaved. Use this opportunity. I would say something like, 'Thanks for the note, I loved it. It's good that you know you were in the wrong and can say sorry BUT I think we have to have a talk about what happened.' Then tell her how distressed you were. Tell her that what she said was particularly hurtful and say firmly, 'I don't EVER want you to say anything like that again'.

Taking Responsibility
The next step is to have a calm talk with her about her behaviour. Start by recognising her feelings. For example, in her note she said: Everything I do is wrong. I'm very sorry and will try harder next time. Acknowledge that she feels bad about losing her temper and making you all unhappy with her. Move on to 'try harder', and ask her what can we do to help you control your behaviour? Get her to own the problem. Ask her 'How can I help you avoid these situations in the future?' Again Faber and Mazlish are good on this.

Focus On The Good Stuff
Try to shift your mind from tackling her bad behaviour to building up her good behaviour. You mention telling her you love her but you don't LIKE her behaviour. This is too general. Check out these pages on the site and use praise of specific activities to build good behaviour.

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