What can you do with self-critical, whiney and negative child? Dr Pat Spungin raisingkids.co.uk's expert child psychologist advises on how to teach your child self-confidence and better social skills.

Raisingkids member's problem
My 6 yr-old daughter tends to be very negative. She's very shy with people she doesn't know (although certainly not with family and friends) and often puts herself down by saying 'I'm not good at anything!' Many things scare her e.g. going to bed, and she's frequently miserable and whiney.

She's had a stable upbringing in a comfortable home, and has never been smacked. My wife thinks we don't need to do anything, but I'm worried her insecurities will grow as she gets older and make her really unhappy. I suffered from these things when I was in my teens - to a certain degree - and don't want her to feel like I did. Do you think a child psychologist would help?

Dr Spungin's advice
You say she's shy with strangers but don't say if these strangers are adults and/or other children. Many children are shy with adults and at ease with their peers. If she's able to make friends with other children, even if it takes some time, don't worry too much about shyness around adults. Teach her enough to be polite when meeting and greeting grown-ups.

Children differ in temperament, and your daughter's temperament is introverted. You can't change her nature but you can help her acquire social skills to overcome her shyness. You say she has the skills at home and with friends, so the next step is help her apply these skills outside of this small circle. She may never be the life-and-soul of the party but she will be able to learn enough to make friends and be comfortable in a social setting.

Start with the skills she has. When you see her being friendly and positive with people she knows, acknowledge it. Don't go overboard, but try to build up her sense that 'in the right context', she's outgoing and positive. Then help her transfer these skills outside of that context.

When she feels herself to be socially adept (maybe when she is older) decide what you want to teach her and practice this in small bits. Explain to her about smiling, making eye-contact, and saying 'hello' when she meets people. Demonstrate what you mean and perhaps practice it on each other! When she next meets a stranger, ask her to try out her 'meeting-and-greeting' skills - if she manages, praise her for it. Otherwise, just ignore it and try again next time. When you have visitors encourage her to be around, don't force her to be social - let her find her own pace.

You say she's whiney and pessimistic and puts herself down. A word of warning - be careful not to label her or to make comparisons with her brother. See our Parenting Skills section for more information on how alter some of your child's negative behaviour.

It's difficult to outline a strategy to modify a child's behaviour in under 500 words! After all it's a major undertaking. Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, who have written several excellent books on bringing up children. In Liberated Parents, Liberated Children they describe how one of the authors faced exactly this issue with her own son. However they were able to help him break out of this whining helpless pattern of behaviour - I think you should read it to get more insight on how to help your daughter.

• More Answers From Dr Pat Spungin
• Silencing A Serial Whiner