Sometimes any attention, even negative attention, is better than nothing. How can you stop a child soiling for attention? Parenting expert and child psychologist Dr Pat Spungin, CEO of Raisingkids.co.uk, advises.

Raisingkids member's problem
My twins will be 6 soon and 2 years ago we moved back to where our family comes from. Since then, they have both been wet during the day.

We believed that when life settled down it would stop but my youngest twin, the least dominant one, has started to haved bowel problems over the last few months. Initially, holding his poo caused a fissure which led to constipation and a night in the hospital where he was given laxatives. On discharge, he seemed to get over his fear of going and life fell back into its normal routine but over the last week he has passed his motion in his pants almost every day. He has always been at home and in close proximity to the toilet. I asked him why and he said his brother was doing something on the climbing frame that he wanted to watch.

I realise individual attention is very important with twins and we never compare them although they do compare themselves. I collect them from school 3 times a week and each Grandma takes turns on other days.They are in separate classes at school so people do not compare them. I really try to be a fair and patient Mum but I feel soiling is socially unacceptable and do not understand the reasons why he would wish to do it when he is loved and made to feel special at home.

Dr Spungin's advice
If he doesn’t soil himself at school, it suggests that he has bowel control and his behaviour at home has a purpose. It appears that the younger twin - ‘the least dominant’ - in your words had found a way of attracting attention away from his ‘older’ brother. You don't understand the reasons why he would wish to do it ‘when he is loved and made to feel special at home’ but sometimes attention even negative attention is what it’s about.

You say you don’t compare and that they are in different classes at school but there appears to be a temperamental difference between the boys and I would guess that the one who is more dominant – by virtue of that fact – gets more attention. Assuming there is no medical reason, now the younger twin is getting lots of attention.

What to do? Try to shift the attention given to ‘bad’ behaviour to attention for good behaviour. When he soils, ignore it as far as possible deal with it in an uninvolved manner. A good tip is to 'try to catch him doing something right'! When he comes home from school and is clean, even though it's not uncommon, say ‘Well done, you’ve gone all day and kept yourself clean. Good boy!’

Make a star chart, put it in a prominent place and agree a reward if he goes a week without soiling. Even though you don’t compare yourself, the boys are competitive in themselves. You're aware of the problems that comparisons can bring but beware of labelling too. For some help with this, you might like to look at our Brothers & Sisters section.

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