How do you explain to a 7 yr-old that some kinds of behaviour aren't acceptable? In this extract from our archives, parenting expert and child psychologist Dr Pat Spungin, CEO of Raisingkids.co.uk, suggests ways of discussing this issue with children.

Raisingkids member's problem
My 7 yr-old was found in bed with her 5 yr-old brother, showing him her private bits and encouraging him to touch them. I've also been told she's been encouraging his friend to lie (fully clothed) on top of her for a kiss.

We have discussed this previously but either I've dealt with it wrongly or it's not sinking in. I'm also concerned with just how much we should tell her about sex education at this age. I overheard a friend of the same age going into details about condoms. We have discussed the basics and we've always answered her questions in an open manner without going into too much detail - how should I deal with the above and just how much should I be discussing with her at this age?

Dr Spungin's advice
Exploring genitals, like exploring other parts of the body, is very common among both boys and girls. They do it because it's pleasurable. Looking at other children's genitals is also common. It's important to stress that this behaviour is not what adults understand by sexual activity. It is motivated by curiosity and a lack of awareness about what's appropriate behaviour in public.

The curiosity can also extend to the bodies of other children and some children develop games around the exploration of each other's bodies. Many children touch their genitals when they are anxious, like thumb-sucking or hair twisting - it can become a habit. Some children hold or rub their genitals, as part of their getting to sleep routine. Most children grow out of it. This kind of behaviour concerns parents, especially if their children do it in public. As children become more aware that parts of their bodies are private, they limit the behaviour to private places.

We live in a very sexualised world. Mass media is dominated by images of adult sex. Children see and hear things they do not understand, but which they may copy. If she seems to know inappropriate things, ask her 'Where did you hear that? Were you talking to someone about it?' You need to be aware of what your daughter is seeing and hearing elsewhere, so keep the channels of communication open by being calm and open.

Both of your children will take their cues from what you do and say, so be open in your communication with her. This is not about 'sex' as adults understand it but about finding out. 'Are you looking to see how different you are? What have you found?' and let her talk openly with you. Answer any questions she has about why boys and girls are different. Don't tell her more than she asks but answer all her questions truthfully. Find a book about answering her questions which is appropriate to her age and read it together.

If you see her rubbing herself, be matter of fact about it but set limits. 'Touching private parts of our body is something we do in private, not in front of other people'. Tell her what the limits are. Some families are very clear. They tell their children that their bodies are private, especially their genitals, and that only they are allowed to touch themselves in that area. Other families say, 'You can look at someone else but not touch'.

Most of the touching and exploring that goes on between children is as part of a game. If you see this kind of play, distract them - 'OK, put your clothes back on now and let's do something else.' If one child takes a lead in this game, as your daughter did, speak to her later and be very clear. Tell her that just as parts of her body are private to her and no-one else may touch, the same applies to other children.

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