Ask Our Experts: Disruptive 12 Yr-Old Show-Off
How do you stop your pre-teen from showing-off and disrupting others
to get attention? Raisingkids.co.uk's child psychologist Dr Pat Spungin
advises how to bring your child's behaviour back into line before hitting
the teen years.
Raisingkids member's problem
Our 12 yr-old seems to be lacking in
the self control and self discipline. He has just been put back on report
after 3 days off - he's in Year 7 at High School. His latest misdemeanor
is going to the chip shop at lunch time (not the only time by a very long
way I might add). We are supporting the school in their dealings with
him, and we have an appointment with the Educational Psychologist coming
up, but would like any help/advice you can give. He is never evil or hurtful
but he does silly things to show off, which doesn't impress the teachers
(I can't blame them with the size classes they have now). Any idea on
teaching discipline to a 12 yr-old? I feel
it's a bit late, but can't think where we went wrong before?
Dr Spungin's advice
At 12, your son's old enough to have
a proper discussion about the problem. Take time out so you can talk undisturbed.
Assume he wants to do well at school and to please you and communicate
this in your attitude. Above all, be non-confrontational. If you give
him the message that he's naughty, unmotivated and has no self-control,
he's likely to respond negatively. Our Parenting
Skills section has advice about listening to your child, developing
your communication skills, and how to listen so kids will talks he playing
up for attention? Help his self-image by boosting him about the things
he IS good at. They don't have to be academic, they could also be artistic,
athletic or practical. Can he build things? Is he musical? Is he a good
cook? Does he show a flair for technology (computer games)? Find your
son's talents and help him exploit them. If he feels that he's got a few
strings to his bow, probably he'll feel less need to act up.
He may be finding his schoolwork too difficult.
Alternatively, he might find it insufficiently challenging and his misbehaviour
might stem from boredom. This is something that you should talk over with
his teachers. Explain to your son that you're worried he'll find it difficult
to get a good job later in life, if he doesn't do well at school. What
does he say in answer to questions like 'Do you find the work difficult
to do?' If he says he does, ask if there's anything you (or the school)
can do to help. Ask him 'What's your best subject at school?' and 'What
subjects do you like?' as this gives you something to build on, and outlines
areas where he can perform well. Ask 'Which teachers do you like?' and
'Why?' - useful for clues as to how he should be encouraged to learn and
the best way to motivate him. If you want to help, try to be calm and
low-key (I know it's easier said than done). Pay more attention to good
behaviour than bad. Praise him when he does something right. If he's not
convinced when you praise him - does 'You're just saying that!' sound
familiar? - take another look at our Parenting
Skills section for tips on encouraging your child with praise
and some common misapprehensions about praise.
You sound like you're doing the right things
already by supporting the school and consulting the Educational Psychologist.
Good luck and hang on in there. Your son's still young enough to take
notice of what you say to him and you've got much more influence over
a 12 yr-old than you would have over a teenager. It won't be easy but
persevere now before a pattern of failure and low achievement is established.
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