What do you do when your teenager has met someone online and is planning
to meet up with them for the first time? Parenting expert and child psychologist
Dr Pat Spungin, CEO of Raisingkids.co.uk, offers sound advice on how to
warn your children about the dangers of internet chat rooms.
Raisingkids
member's problem
My 17 yr-old daughter has met someone from California on the internet
and has decided to go to the USA to visit him later this year. However,
she isn't streetwise, and not only do I have doubts about her being able
to cope abroad, but she seems totally unaware of the dangers of meeting
someone she knows nothing about. Is there any way that I can legally prevent
her from going? I don't know what to do to protect her!
Dr
Spungin's advice
You must be very worried! The 'boy' may be genuine - many are - but you
are absolutely right to be suspicious. The following sites have good advice
on internet safety:
Visit the sites yourself, and then ask her to
look at them too. Discuss with you daughter what you have read and what
she thinks about it - try to find out her opinion on safety issues and
get her to take responsibility for the risks involved. It's important
to take the right approach when talking to her because at 17 she's legally
able to leave home and you don't want to drive her away by being confrontational
and hostile. I also recommend you read through our Parenting
Skills section for suggestions on how to reach an understanding
with your teenage daughter.
Explain
to her the unknowns in this situation are so great that you have genuine
fears for her safety. Be calm, treat her like an adult, and expect her
to take your worries seriously. Can you persuade her to recognise the
risks? If she comes to appreciate the potential dangers 'of her own accord'
then she may change her mind.
List the risks and ask her what will she do
IF....
...
he's
genuine - but not what she thought, and she doesn't like him. The internet
is an anonymous medium. Even if he's genuine, she is still planning
on spending 2-3 weeks with a total stranger. What if she gets there
and dislikes him? What if she has to spend a fortnight staying in the
family home of a dreadful geek?
...
he expects sex. She may like him well enough but he may want more than
she is prepared for. What will she do thousands of miles away, with
a stranger, staying in his home?
...
he's much older than she thought - the worst possible scenario. An older
man posing as a teenage boy. What will she do then? She is meeting a
man who pretends to be someone he's not, will she get into a car with
him? Will she have the confidence to tell him to go away? Where will
she go if she decides not to go with him? Who will know where she is?
Will she know how to find a hotel, get back home. etc.? Maybe
when she looks at the practicalities she will understand your anxieties.
Find out all you can:
Find
out as much about him as you can. Find out his name, address and phone
number.
Although
I wouldn't normally recommend this, look at the emails between them.
If he's genuine, he will be happy to let you speak to his parents.
Try to get a third party you know and trust
to veryify this information. You can use www.switchboard.com
to find out an American person's details from their first name and surname.
Who's
paying for the ticket? Be very suspicious if the money is coming from
the 'boy'. If he has the cash, why doesn't he use to it come to visit
in your home town, where you will be able to meet him?
If she won't change her mind... If your
daughter's set on going, then you should accompany her if at all possible
- why not turn it into a family holiday? This will be expensive, but you'll
be able to check this person out without putting your daughter at risk.
Even if your daughter rolls her eyes at this suggestion, I imagine she'll
be secretly pleased that you're coming with her. Deep down, she may well
find the idea of this trip intimidating. If you absolutely can't go, is
there a friend who can go with her?
The last resort... Legally, you can't
take her passport but if you cannot reassure yourself, and you feel that
she is at risk of serious harm, then a fight over a 'lost' passport is
worth the risk.
