What do you do when your 4 yr-old still won't poo in the toilet? Raisingkids.co.uk's child psychologist gives pointers on how to help your toddler get out of nappies and on to the loo.

Raisingkids member's problem
MY 4 yr-old still won't poo in the toilet. Mostly he goes in his pants or waits for a nappy to be put on at night as he hasn't learnt to wee in the potty either. We have an 11 month-old daughter who he has taken to very well - he shows no signs of jealousy yet. I can't say he's regressed as he wasn't doing it before she came either. I've tried ignoring for about a year, I've tried presents and rewards, I feel I've tried everything to no avail. I think he knows exactly what he's doing and knows it is getting to us, but I'm at my wits end. Please could you maybe give me some ideas of what I can try now?

Dr Spungin's advice
First of all, visit our toddler section for some information about potty training (though your son is a little older than the usual age). However, boys are generally later to train than girls, especially at night and you are certainly not the first parent to have had trouble getting their child to leave the nappies behind. Most parents start between 24 and 36 months, though there are wide variations.

Remember that toddlers can be very stubborn and single-minded, so don't get into a battle over this because you won't be able to force him. Ask yourself the following questions and if the answer is yes, he ought to be receptive to potty training: Does he seem to know what is happening, when he wets or soils himself? Can he let you know what he wants?

During the day, start a star chart. Explain to him what you intend to do. and make sure he's wearing easily removable clothes. Keep a potty on hand, so that can both get to it easily. If you know when he usually has a bowel movement - maybe after eating - get him to sit on the potty at that time, even if he hasn't asked for it. If he isn't regular, then try sit him on the potty after meals to help set his bodyclock.

Stay with him during this time - maybe read or talk to him, put on the TV, or a favourite video. It's boring for him just sitting there waiting for something to happen, so until he has some bowel and bladder control, keep him company while he waits. When he succeeds, give him a star to stick on his chart and lots of praise for being a big boy. If he doesn't, just take the potty away without saying anything and above all don't show your frustration or criticise him.

During the day, if you see that he is about to have a bowel movement, give him the potty straightaway. If he is too late just say 'Next time tell Mummy as soon as you feel it coming!' Don't ever punish him. This way you encourage him to pay attention to the signals from his body. Support him when he does it right but when he makes a mistake just clean up in a matter-of-fact way. At first he will need reminding to use the potty especially if he is busy playing. He will certainly have accidents but remember not to scold him.

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