Most of you have been on the receiving end of a toddler's brutal honesty but how can you avoid taking hurtful comments to heart? Parenting expert and child psychologist Dr Pat Spungin, CEO of Raisingkids.co.uk, has some suggestions.

Raisingkids member's problem
Please can you advise me how best to handle my 4 yr-old who has started saying 'Mummy, your breath stinks!' I don't think it does - I've asked others! - but my daughter seems to know this is a hurtful thing to say. I've told her that it's not a nice thing to say to people, and tried saying to her that everybody's breath (including hers) smells sometimes (in the mornings when we wake up, for example) and it is perfectly normal.

However she will not stop! It's getting to the point that I'm denying her treats when she keeps saying it - to no effect. My main concern is that it will make me self-conscious and avoid close/intimate contact with her. I'm sure there must be a sane answer. I'm a single mum and my daughter has never seen her Dad, who does not want contact. She is confident , out-going and well adjusted in every sense but over the last 4 weeks she has been very 'testing'.

Dr Spungin's advice
This kind of brutal honesty is usually quite innocent, although it does sound (in this instance) as if your daughter is playing a bit of a power game.

Imagine you are a 4 yr-old girl and one day you hit on something - which may have been true when you said it - that really seems to rattle your mum. Every time you say this thing, she gets upset. This is new! You're only 4 but you can upset a grown up. Wow! It's like when she used to throw her toys to see if you would pick them up. It's the same feeling - if I do this, I can make that happen - and she's enjoying it. She's testing you and experimenting with the power of words.

What to do? Don't react as she expects you to. Say matter-of-factly 'Oh, does it?' or 'Yes, I know...' as if it were of supreme indifference to you. If she doesn't get the reaction, she won't do it. On another note, try not to feel too hurt by her comments. She's not intending to be malicious and doesn't really understand how inapropriately she's behaving. 4 yr-olds haven't yet learnt subtle social skills and it will take a while before they realise that being too personal is uncomfortable for the other person and quite unecessary in most circumstances.

Moreover, this kind of behaviour usually corrects itself, otherwise we would all be going around telling our boss he's going bald, or our partners how unatractive they can sometimes look in the morning!

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