Ever felt that everyone handles their children better than you? Child psychologist, Dr. Pat Spungin, gives advice on how to stay calm around a provocative and manipulative toddler.

Raisingkids member's problem
I often feel very angry with my 2 yr-old, when he's only behaving as toddlers do - throwing food at me, hammering the fridge, and repeatedly demanding things he's not allowed. Instead of behaving rationally, in an adult manner as I see my friends doing with their children, I react as I did towards my brothers and sisters when I was a child - shouting and sometimes even sulking.

I know my son's too little to understand this, but I can't help taking his 'naughtiness' too personally. I hasten to add this isn't my constant behaviour - maybe one afternoon a week I feel like this. I just have to let him play, cry, whine or whatever, while I silently get on with whatever I need to do. I can't bring myself to put on a sunny smile and start playing or feeding him again - he has to wait until Daddy gets in for a friendly voice. How can I teach myself to feel more reasonable about him, when he's only acting his age?

Dr Spungin's advice
Don't be so sure your friends are always as sunny and rational as they appear to be when you're with them. After all, think how much better you cope when you're in company. Your son's a normal, typical toddler and he's testing you. Most of the time you have the 'abnormal' amount of patience that mothers of toddlers need, so don't feel bad if one afternoon per week you feel you've had enough. You won't harm your child by being less than 100% reasonable.

Ask yourself 'Is it his unreasonableness that gets to me?' If so, remember your truculent toddler will gradually become more reasonable and therefore less provoking as he grows up.

If this isn't reassuring, perhaps you think your behaviour pattern will continue even as he gets bigger? Will you still 'withdraw' if he is a 'naughty' 7 yr-old? It's better to learn strategies allow both of you to get over it as quickly as possible. There are some useful coping strategies for common behaviour problems in our 1-4 Years (toddlers and pre-schoolers) section.

To teach yourself to feel more rational, ignore feelings, which are difficult to alter and take a long time to change. Instead, concentrate on what you can do to help you feel better.

Look to see if there's any pattern to the cause of these problems. When you see a situation starting and you know it will cause you to get angry, react quickly and decisively to head off confrontation. That won't always be possible - because toddlers can be very determined creatures. However, you are able to limit your son's behaviour so he doesn't make you feel so angry, but you feel competent and in control instead e.g. if he throws food at you, say 'NO!', remove the food, pick him up and take him away from the table. Tell him sternly that you don't like it and then divert his attention by finding something non-confrontational and pleasant to do together.

If this fails - and it may well do - get out of the house for a while. Even a walk around the block may help you both to calm down. Go to visit a friend or do something to cheer yourself up and take the focus off your son. Going to the park seems to work in most stressful situations - there is something so calming about the outdoors that it tends to dissipate trivial problems.

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