Parenting expert and child psychologist Dr Pat Spungin, CEO of Raisingkids.co.uk, offers advice on making 2 months' separation less traumatic for a toddler.

Raisingkids member's problem
My partner's ex-wife suffers from depression and has decided to go and see her parents in New Zealand for two months. She's not taking her children. Her eldest daughter (4) lives with us permanently but the 2 yr-old lives with her and we have her to stay 1 weekend a month usually. Now the poor little thing is with us for the next 2 months. I'm worried about her reaction (and her sister's) when their mother returns and how being separated from her is going to effect them emotionally. How should we deal with it?

Dr Spungin's advice
How will separation affect your 2 yr-old? It's a good thing she knows you, even if it's not that well. She has her father and older sister - and you yourself have concern for her welfare. All of these positive factors will help her cope. She will miss her mum. She's too young to understand why mum's gone, how long she'll be away for and that - eventually! - she will return. A 2 year-old's sense of time doesn't extend to such long periods of separation.

Expect bed-wetting, tantrums or even withdrawal and depression. To ease the change try to have as many familiar routines and objects as possible. Let her bring stuff from home to create a sense of continuity. Get a list from her mother - routines like going to bed, bathing, toileting etc. and likes and dislikes. Don't forget favourite toys, books, dummies, blankets etc. whatever security objects she has.

Keep her mum in her mind, She should keep in touch by phone and letter, this will ease the transition back. Make sure she brings her photos of mummy. Don't be afraid to mention her and remind both children that she is coming back. Put up a calendar, so that they can count down the days until her return. Siblings are often good support to each other. Talk to the 4 year old and explain that the little one doesn't really understand what is happening, so she should be a 'big sister' and help her settle in at your home. I hope that this is helpful and wish you good luck!

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