Parenting Expert: 'We're worried about becoming a dysfunctional family!'
One very anxious little boy and two frazzled parents - Dr. Pat Spungin, Raisingkids.co.uk's resident
child psychologist, offers advice on how to keep the whole family sane and happy.
Raisingkids member's problem
My son is 6 years old and he is a bright, clever boy who is very loving and doing well at school. However my wife and I are however becoming increasingly worried about him at home where he is very unreasonable, irrational and stubborn. He is very difficult about what he eats, kicks up a huge fuss about what he wears, what we do as a family and is very anxious about going to bed. He is also a terrible worrier and will get himself into a real state about things that really don't matter. My wife and I are becoming absolutely exhausted by it and we are
starting to argue frequently about the correct way to deal with it. We obviously love both our children very much, but I worry that if this isn't sorted out it's going to turn us into a very dysfunctional family. Please help!
Dr Spungin's advice
The clearest thing to me about your letter is that in school your son’s behaviour is good. He knows how to control himself and to accept the authority of his teacher. To comment specifically on some of the issues you raise I've split up my answer for you;
He is very difficult about what he eats, frequently disrupting mealtimes for the family.
Give him what he likes as along as it doesn't involve your wife in additional work. Don't make eating a battleground, you won't be able to win that one. If he doesn't eat what he is given - assuming that he has eaten it before - just remove it without comment. The more you and your wife show you are concerned, the more he will be able to use it against you. He won’t starve himself! If he disrupts mealtimes send him away from the table to his room!
He kicks up a huge fuss about what he wears
Chose your battle: The important thing at the moment is for you to decide which battles you want to fight with him. What he wears generally isn't important, so my suggestion is don't get involved.
He kicks up a huge fuss what we do as a family (e.g if we want to go out for a walk or do something that he does not want to do he will throw a tantrum).
This is important in my view and one of the things you do need to deal with. Insist that he goes with you. As long as he is safe, walk ahead of him. While he is crying and shouting, just ignore him and talk among yourselves. It will be very embarassing for you if you are in a public place but tough it out. Once he stops, involve him in the conversation matter of factly. Don’t making a fuss and say how good he is that will reinforces the bad behaviour. When you are having a good time together, then acknowledge what fun you had together. (along the lines of 'I know you didn't want to come out but we had a good time together and we all enjoyed your company'.).
He is very anxious about going to bed and will be difficult in the evenings and often call out at night, disturbing us and his sister.
Talk to him in the morning, calmly. Is he afraid? if so what does he think will help? Try to get him to find a solution for himself, for example, maybe leave the landing light on. The important thing is for him not to call out. Explain that all of us wake up in the night and - what grownups do- is roll over and go back to sleep. Maybe try a star chart to help him sleep through and give him a little prize if he goes a week without calling out in the night.
He reacts badly to new situations like going back to school.
It sounds to me as if your son is a rather anxious child, nervous about new situations, who has learned to express it in a rather disruptive fashion. You can't help the way he is but you can help him express his anxieties more constructively. All of the links below touch on these issues.
http://www.raisingkids.co.uk/ask/ex06_pri03.asp
http://www.raisingkids.co.uk/ASK/ex06_pri08.asp
http://www.raisingkids.co.uk/4_9/PRI_HTP.asp
The most important thing though is that you and your wife should agree and support each other. I think for your son's own welfare, he needs to know how to express his feeling more constructively and he needs you to set boundaries on his behaviour. A 6 year old does not want to feel that he runs the household - after all he knows he is only a little boy. He wants to feel that his parents are in charge. So don't hesitate to set clear boundaries for him and to impose sanctions - sending him to his room, removal of TV privileges, not going to a party or an outing – when he breaks the rules. Most importantly stick to your guns, be consistent and be firm!
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