How can you put a stop to bullying behaviour and feelings of jealousy towards other children? Raisingkids.co.uk's parenting expert, Dr Pat Spungin, suggests ways to build up cooperative sharing, and improve behaviour caused by sibling rivalry.

Raisingkids member's problem
My 5 yr-old daughter is very bossy and has recently become very jealous of friends, which normally ends with her being spiteful and making nasty comments. I think some of it stems from being insecure.

She would dearly love a 'best friend'. Instead she has a few special friends at school, and when she feels 'left out', all hell lets loose. She is also very competitive in every way. We have a 2 yr-old son as well, so it's not as if she isn't used to sharing. I've tried talking it through with her but can't seem to get her to change her behaviour, and when she does it in front of other parents and makes the children cry, she is perceived as a bully. The other parents and children don't understand - not that I do either, really! Can you offer some advice? I am at the end of my tether.

Dr Spungin's advice
Firstly, I recommend reading the pages about bullying on our site. I think part of what your daughter experiences may relate to the fact that she's jealous of her younger brother.

When I did research into sibling rivalry, one of the findings was that the older sister of a brother experiences a lot of jealousy. Some of this feeling is perhaps being expressed at school - especially if she has just started primary school this year. You do need to help her, as this behaviour will only make her unhappy in the long run.

With a 5 yr-old, 'talking it through' can only work up to a point. What you really need to do is build up positive sharing, helping, and cooperation to replace bullying behaviour. As far as possible, try to ignore the bullying behaviour and (where you can) remove her from the situation. Avoid giving attention to the 'bad' behaviour. Obviously you will have to see that no-one gets hurt and stop any hitting or spiteful comments. For details of this approach, take a look at the Brothers & Sisters section. The pages in Parenting Skills on praising are also relevant.

If you want to know more about this approach, I recommend Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish's book How To Talk So Your Kids Will Listen & Listen So Your Kids Will Talk (£9.99 Piccadilly Press ISBN: 1853407054).

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