Ask Our Experts: Money Can't Buy Love?

Expensive Christmas presents for only some of the children in the family can cause resentment. Raisingkids.co.uk's parenting expert, Dr Pat Spungin, suggests talking it over in advance to avoid rows and jealousy.

Raisingkids member's problem
I'm a single mother of four. My two eldest (both girls) spent Christmas with their dad this year, and came back spoiled rotten. My ex has a relatively well-paid job, and can afford really nice presents - he also only has our twodaughters, which makes things cheaper. The girls came home ecstatic and showed their younger siblings all their presents, which included posh mobile phones, a DVD player and films, expensive clothes etc.

I cannot afford those luxury goods, and the girls were extremely insensitive about the presents I had bought them, as well as the presents for their younger siblings. I had a go and told them how insensitive they were, and they both said they never wanted to spend Christmas with me again, and they've talked with their dad about moving in with him. Although it blew over after a few weeks, I was hurt, angry, and stressed out.

My six yr-old now asks for very expensive stuff too - thank god the youngest is too young to realise what's going on. Should I have a go at the girls' dad for raising their expectations knowing my situation? How can avoid the same thing happening this year? Any advice would be most appreciated.

Dr Spungin's advice
There's no shame in not having enough money to give you children expensive presents, The fault here is with your ex, who doesn't have the girls living with him all year round, but can afford to indulge them at Christmas.

You don't say how old your girls are but I think this year, speak to them before they go off to their dad's place. Stay calm. First of all don't 'have a go' at them, nor at their father. Deal with the matter in a non-emotional non-confrontational way. This is difficult, I know, when you feel hurt by their lack of consideration (as you see it) and their lack of gratitude for the things that you do for them, not only at Christmas but throughout the year. 'Having a go' only serves to get their back up and make them emotional too, so everyone says things they shouldn't.

Tell them how you felt. I would say something along the lines of 'Last Christmas was very difficult for all of us... ' then explain how you felt when they seemed to disregard the presents you gave and made you feel unappreciated. Use 'I language' and don't accuse them of being insensitive or uncaring.

Understand their feelings too. Then tell them you understand that they were excited to have these 'fabulous presents' (it's natural that they were thrilled, you can't stop them feeling what they felt) and they are lucky their father can afford to buy them. Ask them how they imagined the younger ones felt, but ask... don't tell. They will certainly be able to see the effects and will tell you so.

If it happens again this year, then say 'Your dad will probably give you great presents again this year but I would like to avoid last years rows. What do you think we should do?' Try to make them part of the solution and then they are more likely to stick to it. Good luck, and Merry Christmas.

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