Is it abnormal not to bond with your child at birth or can 'bonding' happen at any time? Raisingkids.co.uk's child psychologist talks about some of the myths surrounding the notion of 'bonding' and gives advice on how to make up for lost time.

Raisingkids member's problem
I've just been told by professionals that I never bonded with my 12 yr-old son. I rejected him at birth, then suffered serious postnatal depression. Since then, I've been horrible to him. I've been told that there may have been a chemical imbalance at the time of his birth - can you tell me more?

Dr Spungin's advice
Some years ago, the notion that bonding between mother and baby took place within a few hours/days of birth was widespread. This idea was based on animal studies and caused a great deal of distress to mothers who were separated from their children after birth for medical reasons. These ideas were subsequently discredited.

The process of learning to love your baby varies between mothers. Some feel an instant surge of emotion and others take time to love. Postnatal depression can affect the process and make it more difficult for mother and child to 'bond'. I don't know about chemical imbalances and their effect. What I do hear from your query is that your relationship with your son has been a difficult one. You - and the professionals - attribute this to a failure to bond. My question to you is, what do you want to do about it?

All of us learn to love people at different stages in our lives. With our friends and lovers 'bonding' didn't occur by some chemically-induced process. We spent time with them, learned to understand them, did fun things together and grew to care for them. Your son is your responsibility and he wants your love and care. If you know you've been 'horrible' to him, try and get some help to be good to him as he deserves.

Don't feel guilty about what has happened to date - try and move forward from this point and make things better for both your sakes. I wish you luck with the next phase in your relationship and I sincerely hope that you can succeed. See our Parenting Skills section for more pointers on how to reach an understanding with your child.

• More Answers From Dr Spungin
• Parenting Pre-Teens: Fixing Damaged Relationships
• What Pre-Teens Want: Love & Support
• Support Organisations: Help For Parents