What do you do when your child says she hates you but you're not sure what you've done wrong? Raisingkids.co.uk's child psychologist Dr Pat Spungin advises how to avoid acting on a guilty conscience.

Raisingkids member's problem
My daughter regularly tells me she hates me and I wonder if this is because, being a working mum, she feels that I have no time for her. My friends tell me that this is a typical 9 yr-old response - is this acceptable and what can I do to help her get through it?

Dr Spungin's advice
She doesn't really hate you but she tells you that she does because when she's angry with it's the most hurtful thing she can think of. Don't worry about this comment - I am 100% certain that she doesn't mean it. If it really bothers you, choose a quiet time when you are getting on well, tell her that words can hurt people and that when she says she hates you, you don't like it and it upsets you. Ask her not to do it in future.

You think that she is angry because you are a working mum. It could be but it's unlikely. Most children of working mothers accept it, though they may not like it. Again make a little time for her and ask her when she is in a positive mood, how she feels about you working. Explain to her why you work, what benefits the family gets from it and listen to what she has to say. Are you perhaps feeling guilty and she is picking up on your weak spot? Trust your own judgment on things like this and when you're together do things that you both enjoy. Put off other things that you do instead of spending time with her, like (say) cleaning cupboards. Those things will keep, whereas time spent with your daughter can never be replaced.

If she is using your guilt to manipulate you into getting what she wants, decide for yourself what your boundaries are and be firm. Don't give in because you feel guilty. Now is the time to be clear about what you want and expect, because during the teen years it can get really difficult. It is much harder to to reinstate a boundary once it has been crossed than it is to establish it early on and stick to it. Even if you aren't entirely sure what your daughter is angry about at this stage, don't give her the impression that her feelings can control other people - this will not help her and will encourage her to use manipulative tactics as a way of getting the things she wants. Instead, always encourage her to talk to you about anything that is upsetting her or making her angry. Explain to her calmly that you would like to understand her but she must talk to you in a mature way without shouting and saying hurtful things. See our Parenting Skills section for more pointers on how to reach an understanding with your child.