Raisingkids member's problem
How can I help rebuild my 12 yr-old's confidence after she was beaten up by a fellow pupil from her year group at school?

Dr Spungin's advice
Make sure she knows it won't happen again: I'm assuming that the bully has already been tackled and we're dealing with restoring your daughter's confidence in the aftermath. If she's still in physical danger, then she's unlikely to feel confident. If you need help dealing with the bully, rather than the aftereffects, our section on bullying will be useful.

So, how can you restore her confidence? Give her understanding and support. Remember your daughter has suffered an assault, and don't let anyone brush it off as a 'playground scrap'. When an adult suffers a violent attack, it's taken seriously and they're expected to take a while in coming to terms with it. Don't let her slip into 'victim mentality' but make sure your daughter realises friends and family (not just her parents) condemn the other girl's aggression. Support and solidarity go a long way towards repairing a broken self-image. Fortunately, children are very resilient. However, this doesn't mean your daughter will bounce back instantly. Give her time and understanding.

Talk to her and work out a strategy together. Apart from the obvious, is there anything else behind this? Does your daughter have many friends? Has she recently changed schools? Is there something seemingly trivial - but very important in the playground - like having the 'wrong' bag or 'geeky' shoes? Talk to her and find out what's bothering her. Work towards some possible solutions together but allow her to feel she's 'in the driving seat'. If she feels in control of the solution, she's more likely to feel in control of the situation. Our Parenting Skills section contains advice on how to reach an understanding with your child.

More assertive - not more aggressive! Your daughter may feel that she ought to stand up for herself more, but that doesn't mean hitting the bully back harder, next time. Build up her confidence by helping her see the positive things that she might not realise about herself - is she good at science, can she tell funny stories, or has she remarkably green fingers? Has her self-belief been deliberately eroded? If the bully has been picking on her for good schoolmarks, for example, your daughter may feel ashamed of her high academic scores. See our Parenting Skills section for useful pointers on how to praise your child. If you visit our Discussions you will find advice and suggestions from other parents who are experiencing similar situations to yours.

Your daughter may benefit from assertiveness training. If so, try and find a short course in your area. Self-Confidence.co.uk is mainly aimed at people in the workplace but has general tips that may be useful.

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