When a 9 yr-old is insulting and aggressive at home, it's time to take action before he gets older and more of a handfu! Parenting expert Dr Pat Spungin advises.

Raisingkids member's problem
My 9 yr-old son is behaving aggressively and is often rude to his father and myself. He's perfectly well-behaved at school and does well in most subjects, yet at home his attitude is terrible and we're our wits' end.

We've tried rewards, and tried punishing him by taking away favorite toys or activites, but his only response is 'I don't care'. We give him love and affection, and when he's doing something enjoyable he generally behaves well. However, as soon as I suggest homework, bedtime or changing TV channel, he loses it, then this escalates into a big row. He's only 9 - what will happen when he is 14 or 15? I'm so worried, please help.

Dr Spungin's advice
I agree it's time to tackle this issue. Deal with it now because unchecked it's likely to get worse. As he gets older, it will become more difficult to change your son's behaviour, which is already very typical of pre-teen behaviour. Emotional, aggressive, confrontational - all of this is common behaviour for a boy teetering on the edge of adolescence. Your son is at a critical point in his life, already moving towards puberty and concerned about masculinity (see our development section for more information).

Try to break out of the vicious circle you're in and create a positive cycle instead. The trick here is to get your son hooked on doing enjoyable and positive things with the family. Try to get back to a good relationship. Your overall strategy should be to build up positive behaviour with praise and acknowledgement, and eliminate bad behaviour be setting firm limits, upholding those limits, and being consistent about applying and penalties or punishments. Don't accept rude and uncivil behaviour.

Start by talking to your son when you are both calm and relaxed, away from home and the flashpoints that cause fights - take him out for the day. I would suggest only one parent goes, so decide which one of you can best deal with him. Go for a walk, go swimming, or for a bite to eat, - create time together where you can talk and feel a closeness between you.

At 9, your son is still very young and attched to both of you. He wants to be on good terms with you, regardless of the way his behaviour suggests otherwise. Tell him how much you enjoyed the time you spent together and resist the temptation to say ‘unlike the usual fights and tantrums…’

The aim is for him to see that being on good terms with you is better than fighting and getting into trouble. Set limits though - he's well behaved at school so he obviously knows how to control himself. At home, he's pushing against the limits that you set and refusing to accept your authority. Our Parenting Skills section is full of useful information about communicating with your child, active listening, and overcoming conflict.

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