How do you handle it when your 11 yr-old starts wanting more independence, but can't understand that you worry? In this extract from our archives, parenting expert and child psychologist Dr Pat Spungin, CEO of Raisingkids.co.uk, advises on this difficult problem.

Raisingkids member's problem
My 11 yr-old continually comes home late. She goes to a friend's house then goes somewhere else without telling me. On several occasions I've gone looking for her because she is late and she's not where she is supposed to be.

I talked to her about safety issues and how worried I get when she 'disappears'. I grounded her but the day after being grounded she arrived home 35 minutes late! I grounded her again - with no music, TV or books. The very next day she had asked to go to a friend's house but then went to another's house without calling me. She says sometimes she is just playing and forgets and sometimes she 'just wants to do what she wants to do'. How do I respond to that?

Dr Spungin's advice
I can understand your worry and I think that you should tackle it now. As she gets older, it may become more difficult to get her to change her ways.

Start by telling her how you feel about this. Use 'I' language: 'I don't like it when you go out and I don't know where you are. It makes me very worried and upset'. Also tell her what you expect: 'I expect you to let me know where you are and who you are with and where you are going'.

State it clearly and firmly and don't get distracted. Repeat it if she objects or makes excuses.

Then tell her what you will do if she doesn't do what you expect. Do this in a calm matter-of-fact, almost business-like way so she sees you're serious and there'll be consequences for her. Make sure they're appropriate and enough of a deprivation to have an effect. If a day's grounding isn't sufficient then make it 3days (or even a week). 'Consequences are the best teacher' so you must follow through.

'Sometimes she just forgets but sometimes she just wants to do what she wants to do'... Forgetting is understandable but behaving without regard for your feelings is not. Explain to her she cannot just do what she wants to do because that causes you to worry - I'm sure she doesn't want to upset you unnecessarily so make it clear how you feel about this. Don't nag, blame or lecture, just try to have a reasoned conversation.

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