How can you prepare your child for a new step-sibling when his father is undermining your efforts? In this extract from our archives, parenting expert and child psychologist Dr Pat Spungin, CEO of Raisingkids.co.uk, advises.

Raisingkids member's problem
How important is it for children to bond with a newborn baby and to feel that they retain their importance within the family? I desperately don't want my children to feel snubbed when the new baby arrives.

My worries are compounded because the youngest has contact with his father (my ex) who is still extremely angry with me. My son is not allowed to mention his homelife with me, or the coming baby, when he's with his dad. I think this is so destructive and damaging. I cannot rely upon the support of my ex-husband to ensure our child accepts the new baby in his own way, or to ensure the boy feels allowed to express happiness, excitement, anger or whatever. I seem to be the only one who cares about this (apart from my new husband of course).

Dr Spungin's advice
It's very important to help your children bond with the new baby but equally important to have realistic expectations. If your youngest is pre-school, he may take time to get used to the idea of not being the youngest and resent having to share you - that's very common in families. After divorce or separation, young boys often become very close to their mothers, so when a new man - or a new baby - comes onto the scene, it can cause problems.

As for the role that your ex plays in this, there is nothing you can do to change his attitude... but you can talk to your son. There are several things I'd want to make clear to him, depending on his age. The new baby does not mean that your feelings to him will change. You are all part of the same family and should all love and support each other. Finally, you want him to be a real 'big brother' to the new baby.

Make sure that when the baby comes, you still have time for him. All the reassurance in the world won't count if he feels pushed aside. Actions will speak louder than words. Good luck with the birth of your baby!

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