Raisingkids.co.uk's Education expert, Elizabeth Cook explains why some children need extra attention.

Raisingkids member's problem
My 9 yr-old (eldest of 4r) seems to be lazy, untidy and 'slap-dash' at home and has problems socializing with children of her own age.

At school she's been described as 'immature' but her Year 5 teacher has just told me he wants to have her refered to a Special Needs teacher for assessment. She has good English and reading skills but finds Maths extremely hard. The teacher says she isn't concentrating or paying attention in the classroom at all. She has attended 4 schools so far and has no close friends. Her behaviour at home is very emotional with tantrums and verbal outbursts continually. I put this down to hormones and the fact her dad has gone to sea for 3 months again. I am at the end of my tether with her and have very little patience - she seems to need so much one-to-one which I can't give her, with three younger children and a husband away a lot. Please advise on her possible problem and tips on how to handle her, emotionally and educationally. Many thanks.

Elizabeth's advice
I think 'she has attended 4 schools so far and has no close friends' probably sums up her difficulties. You don't say why she has been to so many schools, but four in such a short time does seem a lot. Maybe she hasn't spent enough time in any of them to make close friendships, and any that she may have made would have been short lived.

Developing effective social skills is learned behaviour but it needs practice, and changing schools so often must mean that she has to start from scratch each time and as a consequence she probably hasn't developed these skills beyond a rudimentary level, which might be the reason her teacher describes her as immature. From your description of her at home, and at school, she would appear to be a child who is crying out for attention.

I can well understand with 4 children under 9 and no husband at home for long periods that giving your daughter 'special attention' might be difficult, but I do feel that this is what she needs. You might try spending some time just with her and tell her how 'special' she is and how grateful you are that you have her as your eldest child. We all need to know that we are special in someone's life and as she has no close friends that only leaves you.

I am sure that this will make a big difference to your daughter's feeling of self-esteem which appears to be very low and although this might take time that you feel that you do not have - making the time now may prevent more difficulties later on which might take up even more of your time.

In relation to the Special Needs assessment I would let it happen. If she's classed as having a special need then she will be given more help and attention which seems to be what she is looking for.

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