If comparing is counter-productive, what should you do in its place? How can you help your child be 'less naughty' without comparing?

Tell him about what you notice, what you feel about certain types of behaviour and what it is you expect.

Decide what behaviour you want to see less of and try where possible to ignore that behaviour.

Notice the good behaviour
Concentrate on changing his view of himself as a 'naughty boy', by focusing on good behaviour when it occurs. Do this without any reference to anyone else.

Alternatives to comparing

Describe what you SEE without comparing:

Instead of saying...
• 'Even the baby can eat without making such a mess.'
  Say...
• 'The jam is dripping off your knife onto the table.'

Describe what you FEEL referring only to his behaviour:

Instead of saying...
• 'You've got such nice manners, unlike your sister.'
  Say...
• 'I was very pleased when you thanked Grandma so nicely.'

Describe what you EXPECT:

Instead of saying...
• 'Your brother doesn't need to be told twenty times to wash up.'
  Say...
• 'Thank you for doing the dishes.'

• 9-13 Yrs: Does 'Fair' Have To Mean 'Equal'?
• 9-13 Yrs: Stop Siblings Fighting Over 'Fair'
• 9-13 Yrs: Comparing Siblings Doesn't Work
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