9-13 Yrs: Does 'Fair' Have To Mean 'Equal'?
Are your children always saying 'it's not fair'? Whatever you do, it's
never enough. What can you do?
Are
you sure it's an empty accusation?
Does it always seem to come from one child? If so, check it out with him.
Ask why he complains so often. Listen
carefully, consider your own behaviour to see if there's truth in what
he says and - if necessary - take action.
He's
got more cornflakes!
Often 'it's not fair' has little substance in reality. Sometimes it becomes
a habit for siblings to constantly compare what they get. The more seriously
you take it, the more they will do it (over increasingly petty issues).
What
to avoid
Some parents go to extremes to avoid favouring one child over the other.
They give presents to the child who isn't having a birthday. They buy
shoes for both though one doesn't need them yet. They divide their time
precisely between their children. What does this prove? That they love each child
equally? Equal love and concern can be assumed, it isn't demonstrated
by identical treatment.
Give according to need
If one complains when you spend time on his sister's homework, explain she needs more help today and, when he needs extra help, he will get it too. Don't stop helping the one who needs it just so that you spend an equal amount of time with her brother. Don't allow your children to pressure you into measuring and assessing everything so that it's 'fair'.
Put it in perspective
If they complain about something trivial, ignore it if you can - and laugh it off if you can't. Be emphatic that if they don't stop, neither will get any.
Acknowledge the feeling but state your case
Sulking because he didn't get presents on his sister's birthday? Tell him you know he feels a bit left out but it's her special day. When his birthday comes he'll have lots of presents of his own.
The facts of life
Your responsibility as a parent isn't to make everything right all the time but to prepare your children for life. There will be differences in treatment and your children will be disappointed, but they can learn to deal with it. It's a valuable lesson to learn.
Obviously...
... you sometimes treat them identically but when there's a need for different treatment, don't let them nag or make you feel guilty. Don't get trapped into justifying yourself.
|
