Parenting
Pre-teens: Fixing Damaged Relationships
 What
can you do when your relationship with your child seems to be going from
bad to worse?
Something has to change, which means someone
has to do something different.
Getting back to good
You can't change your child - only he
can change the way he behaves. You've probably tried to change him by
nagging, lecturing, punishing, cajoling and the rest. It obviously didn't
work, so now's the time to try a new strategy. You can change your own
behaviour, so step one is to commit yourself to do things differently.
'But
it's the way I feel...'
Changing behaviour is often difficult, especially when the underlying
feelings are deep-rooted. You may be very angry with your son and he may
be very resentful of your efforts to limit his behaviour. You probably
think, 'Why should I accept behaviour that I don't like?' or 'Why should
I be the one to change the way I behave, when it's his behaviour that's
causing the problem?' Don't get stuck in this kind of thinking; you have
committed yourself to change, so...
Forget
feelings, DO something different
This tactic is commonly known as 'Fake it till you make it.' You behave
as if you feel differently. However angry and resentful you feel, remain
calm and in control. Your son will find it difficult to carry on as before
if you react differently. It is hard to mouth the same old lines when
someone else has changed the script. As you play-act the role and get
a different response, you will enter a positive cycle of mutual reinforcement.
Remember, the longer the relationship has been impaired, the longer it
will take to change the pattern.
Example
Johnny and his mother were at loggerheads because she thought he didn't
take his schoolwork seriously. The more she nagged, threatened and cajoled,
the less he did and the relationship between them deteriorated. She decided
to do things differently. She asked him calmly about his work and when
he answered aggressively she said nothing and let it go. After a few similar
instances, Johnny's answers became more civil. As he became less angry,
it was easier to talk to him. Eventually they were able to discuss his
schoolwork in a constructive manner.
Persist
This is a very difficult strategy to
follow, especially if things have been bad for a long time. It does work,
so stick at it until you get results.
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