Nobody can keep a cool head all the time but if you try and bear these points in mind, family arguments can end quicker and be patched up sooner.

When arguing about something, don't launch an all-out attack on your pre-teen's appearance, behaviour or friends. Stick to the specific behaviour you don't like and talk about that.

Talk about what your child does, not what he is
Stick to the specific behaviour you don't like and talk about that. Be emphatic about what you expect and what you feel, but stay cool. A polite request stating your own position is more likely to have an effect than name-calling.

Don't say...
'You're so selfish, you never think of other people, playing your computer games at top volume all evening.'

Do say...
'I want to relax and watch TV and your brother needs peace and quiet to do his homework. Please can you play your game with headphones on.'

Avoid 'always' and 'never'
Usually when people lose their tempers, they tend to overstate their case. Avoid saying 'you always' and 'you never'. (You never clean up after yourself; you always lie to me; you never do enough work to get good marks; you always look a mess.) Your child knows that it is unjust and only occasionally true and will bitterly resent it. 'Tell me how bad I am, but don't be surprised if I get worse' is a likely response.

Don't say 'you' - say 'I'
Instead of saying 'You are totally irresponsible' say 'I was very worried when you stayed out so late without letting me know.' Or instead of saying 'You are such a slob' say, 'I don't like it when I come into the kitchen and find a sink full of your dirty dishes. I want you to wash them up now'.