Arguing
With Your Pre-Teen
 Unless
you and your children are saints, at times you will lose your temper at
each other and say things that you regret. You may simply regret your loss of control. Always
apologise if you are in the wrong. It's a good lesson for your child to
learn.
Stay
calm and in control
When two people lose their temper and start to shout at each other, the
possibility of sorting out the problem that caused the argument disappears.
In anger, things are often said that are best left unsaid. Shouting makes
it harder to listen, not easier, but if one person stays cool and in control,
the other person is likely to cool down as well.
Don't always be the winner
Sometimes you are right, but it's best
not to say 'I told you so'. What if your daughter leaves her purse in
her coat pocket, and her coat on the bus? When they are stolen, she'll
know it was a stupid thing to do and will appreciate the fact that you
don't remind her.
Talk about what your child does, not what she is
Stick to the specific behaviour you don't like and talk about that. Be emphatic about what you expect and what you feel, but stay cool. A polite request stating your own position is more likely to have an effect than name-calling.
Don't say...
'You're so selfish, you never think of other people, playing your music at top volume all evening.'
Do say...
'I want to relax and watch TV and your brother needs peace and quiet to do his homework. Please can you play your music with headphones on.'
Avoid 'always' and 'never'
Usually when people lose their tempers, they tend to overstate their case. Avoid saying 'you always' and 'you never'. (You never clean up after yourself; you always lie to me; you never do enough work to get good marks; you always look a mess.) Your child knows that it is unjust and only occasionally true and will bitterly resent it. 'Tell me how bad I am, but don't be surprised if I get worse' is a likely response.
Don't say 'you' - say 'I'
Instead of saying 'You are totally irresponsible' say 'I was very worried when you stayed out so late without letting me know.' Or instead of saying 'You are such a slob' say, 'I don't like it when I come into the kitchen and find a sink full of your dirty dishes. I want you to wash them up now'.
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