Praising children by talking about what they ARE encourages them to look to other people to give them their sense of self worth.

Focusing on what they have DONE develops their own inner standards and convictions. ('I'm a girl who can read instructions and build things.' as opposed to 'My mother says I'm very clever'.)

Describe the good things you see
Say your child decides to try making herself a skirt, getting some things right (being creative, self-reliant, saving money) and a couple of things wrong (mis-matching the pattern). For positive praise, focus on the accomplishments, and ignore the mistakes e.g. 'You've designed that really well, and it's a great fabric. Well done for managing that all on your own.'

Speak about what they DO, not what they ARE
Psychologists believe that praise which makes judgments about a child can sometimes backfire. When you say things like 'You're always so kind', your child may feel concerned that he doesn't deserve this kind of praise. He knows that sometimes he is not kind and often he is downright selfish. He may be troubled by the thought that if you really knew him, you would be disappointed in him.

On the other hand, noticing what he does and praising specific achievements is easy to accept. Don't tell your child how good/kind/clever he is: start noticing the things he is good at, his unique skills and abilities. If he builds a bookshelf following complicated instructions, don't tell him he is 'clever', say that following complicated instructions must have been difficult and to do it without asking for help was an achievement. He knows he did well and recognises that your praise has been earned and not automatically given.

Finally... 4 key points

• Be Positive... pay attention to good behaviour not bad.
• Be Specific... describe what you appreciate.
• Praise What They Do... not what they are.
• Encourage your children to praise siblings and friends.

• What Pre-Teens Want: Love & Support
• What Pre-Teens Want: Someone To Listen
• What Pre-Teens Want: Freedom Within Limits!
• Parenting Pre-Teens: Scared To Let Go?