Praising Your Pre-Teen
Praise is one of the most powerful tools parents have, if they use it effectively. However,
there's a tendency, especially when praising the efforts of young children,
to praise indiscriminately. If you praise everything, then praise loses
its value.
It's
not what you do, it's the way that you do it...
How often have we said 'That's nice' without really looking? The child
who says 'But what do you think of it really?' is revealing his suspicions
that such praise is not genuine. He senses that you are praising on autopilot.
Avoid
the 'buts' - don't let criticism swamp the praise
As our children grow older, we often try to help them do better by pointing
out areas for improvement. Be careful, when you do this, to keep the balance
between the positive and negative aspects of what you say.
Lisa
had decided to save her pocket-money by making a herself a skirt with
her sewing-machine. When she showed her mother the finished product, she
said 'That's a good effort but you haven't matched the pattern up or pressed
the seams. You don't want to go out like that!' Lisa watched as she unpicked
the seams and stitched up up again properly. Next time she wanted new
clothes, Lisa asked her mother for more pocket-money.
Lisa
did far more right than wrong but the two wrong things she did got more
attention that all the things she did right.
Speak about what they DO, not what they ARE
Psychologists believe that praise which makes judgments about a child can sometimes backfire. When you say things like 'You're always so kind', your child may feel concerned that he doesn't deserve this kind of praise. He knows that sometimes he is not kind and often he is downright selfish. He may be troubled by the thought that if you really knew him, you would be disappointed in him.
On the other hand, noticing what he does and praising specific achievements is easy to accept. Don't tell your child how good/kind/clever he is: start noticing the things he is good at, his unique skills and abilities. If he builds a bookshelf following complicated instructions, don't tell him he is 'clever', say that following complicated instructions must have been difficult and to do it without asking for help was an achievement. He knows he did well and recognises that your praise has been earned and not automatically given.
Praise is a powerful tool and and encouraging reward in itself, but there are many mistaken beliefs about praise.
'There's no need to say anything'
You may think that if everything is going well there's no need to say anything. This attitude can be summed up as If I don't say anything then it's okay. What this really means is I'll only say something when there is something to criticise.
'If I say 'well done', they'll stop trying'
Do you think that if you compliment your children they'll slack off? If we are praised for a job well done, it generally encourages us to do better, not worse. The disappointment we feel when good work is not recognised gives rise to the feeling 'Why should I bother if nobody notices'?
'What if there is nothing to praise?'
There is always something to praise. You have to catch your child doing something right. Have a positive attitude to the things he does and remember the praise must always be genuine. Your child will quickly sense when you are phoney.
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