Parenting Pre-Teens: 3 Steps To Active Listening
This method of listening is adapted from 'How to Talk so Kids Will
Listen And Listen So Kids Will Talk' by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.
It
discourages parents from jumping in with their own opinions, solutions,
criticisms, orders, and so on, and asks them simply to listen to their
pre-teen and then ...listen some more. By careful listening, you show
respect for your pre-teen's feelings and give some space to explore the
problem and maybe reach a solution.
Active listening involves only 3 steps:
Pay
attention
The first step in active listening is to be attentive. Stop whatever it
is you're doing and give your pre-teen with your full attention.
Acknowledge
what is being said
Acknowledge what is said with a brief listening response: Yeah? Oh, Mmmm.....
and then wait. Don't jump in with advice, solutions, put downs, lectures
or sermons. Your non-committal response allows your pre-teen to continue
to explore her own thoughts and feelings.
Name
the feeling
Underlying
many things your child says to you is an unexpressed feeling. To enable
your pre-teen to express the feeling, give the feeling a name. An example
of this is given below:
Pre-teen: I don't want puddling.
Mother: Mmnn?
Pre-teen: I've had enough. Anyway, it's fattening.
Mother: You think it's going to make you put on weight?
Pre-teen: Shelly says if I have pudding it'll make me fatter.
Mother: Shelly's giving you advice about your diet then?
Pre-teen: Yes.. (tells mother what's on her mind)
This mother listened and allowed her teenager
to express her anxieties. She didn't butt in with reassurances (You don't
need to worry about that!) nor orders (Just eat up and don't complain!)
nor did she deny her child's feelings (You're not a picky eater). By naming
feelings, she encouraged her to talk through her worries.
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