In a group as intimate as a family, it's easy to think that you've heard it all before, that you know what your child thinks - or should think.

Don't assume you already know. Children grow up and develop their own views. It's a new situation now; your pre-teen may regard your views as old-fashioned and outdated. If you want to have any kind of dialogue with your child, you have to recognise their own strongly held opinions.

Pay attention
The first step in active listening is to be attentive. Stop whatever it is you're doing and give your pre-teen with your full attention.

Acknowledge what is being said
Acknowledge what is said with a brief listening response: Yeah? Oh, Mmmm..... and then wait. Don't jump in with advice, solutions, put downs, lectures or sermons. Your non-committal response allows your pre-teen to continue to explore her own thoughts and feelings.

Pay attention to the message not the messenger
Don't get distracted! While listening to your pre-teen, you may notice she has a slight cold, needs a haircut, or maybe you want to correct her pronunciation. Concentrate on what she says - forget how she looks and how she's speaking. Don't get sidetracked by things in the background. Do your pre-teen the courtesy of giving her your full attention.

Don't let your feelings block your ears
There are many emotional 'triggers' that can stop parents from listening. Talking about boyfriends/girlfriends, or smoking can be difficult and, instead of listening, parents easily fall into the trap of lecturing and warning. Chances are, your pre-teen has heard the lecture and had the warning already. What she wants is information and advice about something that concerns her. When you feel angry, worried or anxious about what you are hearing, make a conscious effort to control your feelings and listen.

Listening is not the same as agreeing
As you listen to your pre-teen, you may realise that you are never going to agree with him. But don't stop listening. When he has finished, state briefly and unemotionally what you think he has said. Then get him to agree that you have properly understood. Then tell him that you do understand, but you still don't agree. He won't like it; he will probably accuse you of not listening, but at least you have done him the courtesy of listening properly and it is possible that you'll get some credit for that.

Name the feeling
Underlying many things your child says to you is an unexpressed feeling. To enable your pre-teen to express the feeling, give the feeling a name. An example of this is given below:

Pre-teen: I don't want puddling.
Mother: Mmnn?
Pre-teen: I've had enough. Anyway, it's fattening.
Mother: You think it's going to make you put on weight?
Pre-teen: Shelly says if I have pudding it'll make me fatter.
Mother: Shelly's giving you advice about your diet then?
Pre-teen: Yes.. (tells mother what's on her mind)

This mother listened and allowed her teenager to express her anxieties. She didn't butt in with reassurances (You don't need to worry about that!) nor orders (Just eat up and don't complain!) nor did she deny her child's feelings (You're not a picky eater). By naming feelings, she encouraged her to talk through her worries.