Divorce: Talking It Through With Your Pre-Teen
Old enough to understand divorce but still too young to accept it,
pre-teens may try hard to hide their fears and sadness.
If
your pre-teen pretends to shrug the whole thing off - claiming he 'doesn't
care' - he can still feel horrified underneath.
He
may act tough but...
Your son may fear changes and be angry that his life is being disrupted,
just when he's trying out independence. He may act up, taking it out on
you. Encourage him to express his feelings, even if it makes you feel
guilty or defensive. Some pre-teens act tough to disguise their pain so
let him know it's OK to feel sad or even angry towards both of you. Give
him room to grieve alone sometimes, to sort out how he's going to deal
with his feelings.
What about me?
Some things your son doesn't need to know
about - issues about money, property or other relationships are matters
for you and your partner. He will, however, have questions about the effect
of the divorce on him that should be answered as quickly as possible.
Where will he live? Who will he live with? What about school? Will he
still see his friends? He may worry about how divorce will affect his
standard of living: Can you still afford to go on holiday? Are you moving
to a smaller house or a different part of town? Decide these things in
advance. Don't fight about them in front of him.
Don't Burden Them
Don't make your child into your confidant. It's difficult to bottle up the hurt and rejection you may feel against your partner but don't burden your son with it.
Find another shoulder to cry on. You're the adult here. He's got enough to deal with and needs your support.
Don't undermine your ex
Avoid expressing your anger against your partner in front of your son, even if you're 'the wronged party'. Don't try to turn him against his other parent. Some pre-teens become over-protective and try to build an alliance against the erring parent. Gently discourage this. Let him know it's OK to love you both and be clear you don't want him to take sides. Boys often feel pressured to be 'the man about the house' if their father leaves home. Avoid depending on your son - he's too young for such responsibilities.
Set a good example for managing conflict
Handled well, divorce can be a lesson in managing the changes life brings. Pre-teens whose parents have divorced on reasonable terms can learn to approach difficulties with courage and optimism. This difficult time may benefit your son long-term, teaching him to see problems as challenges which - although hurtful or unsettling - can ultimately be resolved.
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