If your pre-teen is less outgoing than normal, think about what the causes could be.

Did something specific knock her confidence? Changing school is often very difficult to handle. Is she missing old friends and finding it difficult to make new ones? Is she worried by the size of the school or by rowdy and disruptive pupils? Is there a chance she is being bullied? Is she worried that she won't be able to keep up? Talk to her about these things, she may be longing for the opportunity to express herself.

Practical steps
If there are practical things that you can do immediately, do them. If she's having academic problems, offer your time and assistance. If things don't improve, suggest talking to her teachers together. If a new school has left her missing old friends, encourage her to invite them round.

Listen, don't tell
Ask her for ways in which she believes things can be improved and prompt her to think about the things she is good at. Listen as she finds her own solutions and don't rush in with ready-made answers. Help her find solutions and carry them through. If they're her solutions, rather than yours, she will be far more likely to act upon them.

Help her to help herself
She'll gain more confidence from sorting out her own problems than from having you do it for her. But remember she's only 11. She's still very much influenced by you and needs your help, especially if the new, grown-up world of secondary school has disorientated her.

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